I’m sorry, fans, you’ve caught me at a very bad time – I’m absolutely LIVID! Why, you ask? Well, I’ve just got back from the store and I’m soaked to the skin, that’s why! And that’s because it’s bucketing down out there, isn’t it, and it seems that no one in this whole great, wonderful country of ours can be bothered to do a single thing to stop it!

HUH! It’s a thundering disgrace, that’s what I say! Wouldn’t you think that Her Majesty’s Government could make itself useful for once, and with all the technology at its disposal today, at the very least take control of the weather? Well, I think it’s time I put my views to the person at the top, don’t you? And so here below is a copy of my latest letter:

Dear Prime Minister,

You don’t know me, but I am currently a very wet and awfully grumpy white rat. It’s been raining now for over a week, and so I’m writing to ask you why you are not using your prime ministerial remote control to turn the water off? I mean, honestly! I suppose you’re going to tell me you’ve lost it down the side of the sofa again!

And talking of sofas, that brings me to another thing. Yes, I know it’s a bit of a leap, but I’d like to address the subject of those narrow, tilting seats we get in bus shelters these days. I’m sure the public would agree with me that unlike sofas, these really are MOST uncomfortable. Well, I mean, Prime Minister – have you ever actually sat on one? Looking at your immaculate chauffeur-driven Jaguar, I’m guessing not… Well, let me tell you, a decent seat is a really essential commodity when you’re waiting there for ages because your bus is late (as usual)! And of course it’s absolutely indispensable if you need a place to shelter from the pouring rain. All of which brings me back to where I started….

You see, I have an idea which would make sheltering from the rain a thing of the past for all bus users everywhere. Why not make a law that says that it’s only allowed to rain between the hours of 2 and 5 in the morning? Surely that makes sense, since most people are fast asleep in bed at that time – meaning, of course, they would not only stay nice and dry at night, but also all day long, as well. Just think of it, with this new legislation, no one in Britain need ever get soaked again! Well, how about it, Prime Minister? Come on, now, we’re all looking to you as the leader of our country to give the order and make it happen! But wait, I think I hear something…

What’s that you say – you believe that God alone is in charge of the weather?

I mean, REALLY, what kind of excuse is that? I suppose that next you’re going to tell me God is in charge of bus timetables, too!

Yours fumingly,

Lord Grumpkin of Grumblemore

Have you noticed? Yes, it’s just another really annoying fact of modern life: You can’t simply go out and buy a shoe. That’s because shops always sell shoes two at a time, don’t they!

So, what if you just wanted one shoe to replace a damaged one? …or if you thought it would be a good idea to purchase a spare shoe for emergencies? …or if you only had one leg? Well, good luck with that, fans! I think you’ll find that shoes are now classed as pairs, which means that no one can buy a solitary shoe for any purpose whatever.

I mean, really! Is this the twenty first century or not? Who says that people must wear matching shoes! We ought to be able to dress each foot in any shoe we want, and not be dictated to by manufacturers who only sell them in pairs to double their profits!

Huh! On that basis, I suppose it’s a jolly good thing that our bodies don’t have two of everything, isn’t it! Imagine having to buy pairs of hats for two heads, or pairs of shirts for two backs! Would we go along with it then? I think NOT! So my question is – when are we finally going to stop being taken for a ride, and do something about it?

‘Oh, there’s nothing we can do, it’s just the way things are,’ I hear you say. Well, stuff and nonsense, I say! There’s always something we can do, and here’s my suggestion for us all: We should each write to our favourite human celebrities and ask them to support our cause. Let’s get them to start a new trend by wearing odd shoes to all their public events!

Think it’s impossible? Think again! I have it on very good authority that a certain seasonal visitor has forgotten to order himself a new pair of boots for his December delivery service. It seems he’s been obliged to replace his old ones with a couple of mis-matched Christmas stockings instead…

Can you hear those jingling bells yet?

Cameras at the ready, everyone!

Where did all the REALLY clever people go? There’s only me left.

Well, I ask you – just take a long, hard look around you! Do you see a smart person anywhere? Don’t be fooled, now. Plenty of people are smart some of the time, to be sure, but what I’m talking about is people who are clever ALL of the time! For example, there are those who are great at languages but no good at maths, or those who excel in physics but are hopeless at art. We all know at least one person like that, don’t we. But how many of us know anyone (other than me, of course) who is actually good at everything?

As might be expected, being the only really clever person around, I do tend to get rather irritated by the stupidity of ordinary, everyday mortals. Just last week my good friend Bumble the Badger – who I have to say has unusually limited brain power – got me especially annoyed. As we were going to the cinema, he had made a pie which was supposed to bake in the oven while we were out. He duly set the timer to start two hours after we left so that it would finish cooking just as we returned, and then out we went. Well, when we came back we were absolutely famished, weren’t we, so Bumble went into the kitchen to get the pie – only to find, guess what? In his haste to leave the house on time, he’d forgotten to put the wretched thing in the oven! But his catalogue of errors didn’t stop there, oh, no…

After hurriedly placing the pie where it belonged, he then joined me by the fire to wait for it to cook. In the interim we amused ourselves by playing ‘I spy’, all the while trying to ignore the hunger pangs which were stabbing our stomachs like knives. Finally the hour was up, and this not a moment too soon! So Bumble went into the kitchen to get the pie, only to astonish me by reappearing straight away – empty handed and thoroughly mortified! What could possibly have gone wrong now?

Well, what would you think? The brainless twit had forgotten to reset the clock, hadn’t he! So ten minutes after placing the pie in the oven, the timer had switched off the heat.. meaning it was now going to take a further fifty minutes to cook our meal!

I mean, honestly – did you ever hear anything so stupid in your life?

And so dear fans, I am turning to you today to ask you a big favour. If in the course of your travels you should ever encounter another really, REALLY clever person, could you please put us in touch?

…Or else before long I’m going to go completely out of my mind!

Well, fans, I’m sure you’ll know exactly which colour I’m talking about when I say that I call it ‘screaming yellow’! It’s that luminous lemon, or banshee banana colour that shouts at your eyes, takes them prisoner, and won’t let them go till it’s out of sight! But honestly, now – am I the only person round here who can see that yellow is a really dangerous colour?

It seems that some of you think I’m joking…

Well, consider this: In the last few months a new phenomenon has taken to our roads. Yes, you’ve guessed it! Yellow is this year’s surprise car colour, meaning that banana coloured cars everywhere are now clamouring for our attention and causing deadly distractions on the road.

A few weeks ago I was about to cross the street when a yellow Mini appeared out of nowhere. As my eyes locked onto this dazzling sight, its brightness hypnotised my senses, so that as if in a dream, my legs continued carrying me right into its path! Then just when I was seconds from disaster, the driver coming the other way had his gaze caught by the same yellow Mini. With his eyes off the road ahead, his car was soon veering towards this seductive vision. At this, the startled Mini-car driver braked sharply to avoid a collision – only to stop within one inch of my nose!

Phew, thank God for that!

Now do you see what I mean? These days, screaming yellow is all over the place – on hi-viz jackets, on traffic signs, and even on wasp stripes! Well, I mean, really, can’t we tone it down a bit? We could have lovely soft colours like powder blue hi-viz jackets, or pink traffic signs, or silver wasp stripes – more tasteful alternatives by far, and certainly easier on the eye!

There’s one more yellow thing that needs changing, too: That great glaring orb that shines down on people all over the world, giving them cataracts and skin cancer, of course! Well, I suggest that we render it harmless by switching its colour from yellow to a soothing shade of pastel green, which will also blend it in very nicely with our grass and trees. And to make this happen, all we need do is submit a written summary of my proposal to the Creator of the universe.

Well, I’ve summarised my suggestion now… Does anyone have his address?…

Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it! Sneezing is a really disgusting habit which spreads germs and diseases everywhere. And worse than that, surely no one should have to be startled by the sudden blast of someone else’s sneeze. After all, a sneeze coming out of nowhere could give a person a heart attack! Make no mistake, sneezing is a deadly practice all right, and I for one plan to do something about it. That’s why, one week ago, I made up my mind to do whatever it takes to get new anti-sneeze law drafted and brought into effect as soon as possible.

With this as my goal, the first thing I did was to look for a way to approach the World Health Organisation, thinking that they would be able to draw up international anti-sneeze legislation which could then come into force worldwide. But after searching long and hard online, I really couldn’t see which person in the WHO would deal with my very specific suggestion about nasal explosions. So instead I decided to turn my attention to the British government, only to be confronted with the same perplexing problem: which of the many UK government departments is the one that deals with sneezing?

Can you figure it out? Well, I can’t!

So again it was back to the drawing board, and this time I came up with a new idea: Why not turn to the local council? Well, of course I knew this wouldn’t result in any national legislation, but at least it would keep our local area sneeze-free. However as I looked up the names of Councillors on the Executive Board, once more I came up against the same problem: if there actually is a Councillor in charge of sneezing, then it’s a very well kept secret…

Well, I mean, honestly! Is that a responsible way for the authorities to manage public health? Of course not! But fear not, fans, I’m not giving up the fight yet. My next idea is far and away the most radical and exciting one to date. I’m starting an online petition to the Prime Minister, titled: ‘Freeze that Sneeze – Make Sneezing Illegal!’ I’ve already got three supporters, and I only need nine hundred and ninety seven more to get to my first goal of one thousand signatures…

Which, I think you’ll agree, only goes to show that with some hard work and a lot of grit, even a rat can change the world!