Where did all the REALLY clever people go? There’s only me left.

Well, I ask you – just take a long, hard look around you! Do you see a smart person anywhere? Don’t be fooled, now. Plenty of people are smart some of the time, to be sure, but what I’m talking about is people who are clever ALL of the time! For example, there are those who are great at languages but no good at maths, or those who excel in physics but are hopeless at art. We all know at least one person like that, don’t we. But how many of us know anyone (other than me, of course) who is actually good at everything?

As might be expected, being the only really clever person around, I do tend to get rather irritated by the stupidity of ordinary, everyday mortals. Just last week my good friend Bumble the Badger – who I have to say has unusually limited brain power – got me especially annoyed. As we were going to the cinema, he had made a pie which was supposed to bake in the oven while we were out. He duly set the timer to start two hours after we left so that it would finish cooking just as we returned, and then out we went. Well, when we came back we were absolutely famished, weren’t we, so Bumble went into the kitchen to get the pie – only to find, guess what? In his haste to leave the house on time, he’d forgotten to put the wretched thing in the oven! But his catalogue of errors didn’t stop there, oh, no…

After hurriedly placing the pie where it belonged, he then joined me by the fire to wait for it to cook. In the interim we amused ourselves by playing ‘I spy’, all the while trying to ignore the hunger pangs which were stabbing our stomachs like knives. Finally the hour was up, and this not a moment too soon! So Bumble went into the kitchen to get the pie, only to astonish me by reappearing straight away – empty handed and thoroughly mortified! What could possibly have gone wrong now?

Well, what would you think? The brainless twit had forgotten to reset the clock, hadn’t he! So ten minutes after placing the pie in the oven, the timer had switched off the heat.. meaning it was now going to take a further fifty minutes to cook our meal!

I mean, honestly – did you ever hear anything so stupid in your life?

And so dear fans, I am turning to you today to ask you a big favour. If in the course of your travels you should ever encounter another really, REALLY clever person, could you please put us in touch?

…Or else before long I’m going to go completely out of my mind!