I’m sorry, fans, you’ve caught me at a very bad time – I’m absolutely LIVID! Why, you ask? Well, I’ve just got back from the store and I’m soaked to the skin, that’s why! And that’s because it’s bucketing down out there, isn’t it, and it seems that no one in this whole great, wonderful country of ours can be bothered to do a single thing to stop it!

HUH! It’s a thundering disgrace, that’s what I say! Wouldn’t you think that Her Majesty’s Government could make itself useful for once, and with all the technology at its disposal today, at the very least take control of the weather? Well, I think it’s time I put my views to the person at the top, don’t you? And so here below is a copy of my latest letter:

Dear Prime Minister,

You don’t know me, but I am currently a very wet and awfully grumpy white rat. It’s been raining now for over a week, and so I’m writing to ask you why you are not using your prime ministerial remote control to turn the water off? I mean, honestly! I suppose you’re going to tell me you’ve lost it down the side of the sofa again!

And talking of sofas, that brings me to another thing. Yes, I know it’s a bit of a leap, but I’d like to address the subject of those narrow, tilting seats we get in bus shelters these days. I’m sure the public would agree with me that unlike sofas, these really are MOST uncomfortable. Well, I mean, Prime Minister – have you ever actually sat on one? Looking at your immaculate chauffeur-driven Jaguar, I’m guessing not… Well, let me tell you, a decent seat is a really essential commodity when you’re waiting there for ages because your bus is late (as usual)! And of course it’s absolutely indispensable if you need a place to shelter from the pouring rain. All of which brings me back to where I started….

You see, I have an idea which would make sheltering from the rain a thing of the past for all bus users everywhere. Why not make a law that says that it’s only allowed to rain between the hours of 2 and 5 in the morning? Surely that makes sense, since most people are fast asleep in bed at that time – meaning, of course, they would not only stay nice and dry at night, but also all day long, as well. Just think of it, with this new legislation, no one in Britain need ever get soaked again! Well, how about it, Prime Minister? Come on, now, we’re all looking to you as the leader of our country to give the order and make it happen! But wait, I think I hear something…

What’s that you say – you believe that God alone is in charge of the weather?

I mean, REALLY, what kind of excuse is that? I suppose that next you’re going to tell me God is in charge of bus timetables, too!

Yours fumingly,

Lord Grumpkin of Grumblemore