Yes, fans, you’ve spotted it, something’s got me hot under the collar again – and this time I’m absolutely fuming! Why? Well, see what you think of this…

The other day I was at a party, and as usual, I was surrounded by many admirers who had gathered round to hear me speak. This being so, I decided that here was an excellent opportunity to introduce the subject of a serious problem which I referred to as “light pollution” – meaning, of course, CELESTIAL light pollution. But what would you think? Before I got past the first sentence, everyone jumped right in and started talking about street lights. Yes, STREET lights, those lamp posts with bulbs in them that go on and off according to – guess what? – human control!

Honestly now, how stupid is that? They turn on the light to see by, then they call that light “pollution”! I mean, really! If they don’t want to see where they’re going, then all they have to do is flip a switch, and – bingo, instant darkness! Well, it’s not rocket science, is it? But the truth is, the problem of REAL light pollution could indeed be solved by rocket science, and that’s because the source of that problem is a lot higher up than our inconvenient street lights… all of which leads me to the question:

What are you humans actually doing about moonlight pollution?

Well, I mean, it’s ridiculous isn’t it! Someone should have got a handle on this by now. I’m sick and tired of being kept awake at night by the light of that huge great lunar orb that takes forever to pass across the sky! The strain on me is really starting to take its toll. Just think about it, fans – you complain because a single street light shines through your curtains. But the moon is more brilliant than a hundred street lights, and yet you people do nothing about it. I quite understand that you can’t turn it off, but couldn’t you at least fit it with a dimmer switch? Please don’t say it’s too much of a hassle. Dimmer switches don’t cost much, and NASA has sent plenty of rockets to the moon, so how hard can it be to send an electrician up there to fix it?

What’s that, did you say something? …No, I’m not getting it, I’m afraid. It’s no good, fans, you’re going to have to speak more clearly. All I can hear is a sort of soft, rhythmic snoring sound.

Come on, now – wake up, wake up, rise and shine! We have a lot of work to do if we’re going to make this world a better place. This is no time to rest, we need to get up and get busy. After all, we have a mission of our own to accomplish: We must petition NASA to dim the moon, so we can all finally get some sleep!

…uh, HELLO?