Money.  We all need it.  We all use it.  But does anyone really know what it is?

No, fans, it’s not the coins and bank notes in your pocket, nor is it the figures that appear on your bank statement. In fact I challenge you to show me anything you like – I guarantee that none of it is actual, bona fide money! That’s because money isn’t a real thing at all, is it? It’s just an idea in our heads, something we use to help us trade the things we have for the things we want. And far too many people don’t have enough of it to make ends meet.

I mean, really! If money is just an idea in our heads, then surely we shouldn’t be dependent on the kind which is minted and printed by banks! We should create our own money tokens using whatever items we please… things like pebbles and shells from the seaside, for example, or nuts and berries from trees. If we could just learn to trade things more creatively, wouldn’t everyone have enough, and to spare? Yes, fans, make no mistake – money really would grow on trees if we wanted it to!

Well, speaking for myself, I am planning to use personal autographs as my money tokens. For each signature I shall expect to receive in return one week’s worth of groceries, payable in advance… or, should I make that two? Tell you what, why don’t you form an orderly queue outside, and I’ll make my final decision after I’ve had a nice strong cup of camomile tea…

Then again, if you simply can’t contain your impatience, then fifty pounds in cash will be absolutely fine!