I’m sure he means well, fans, but my friend Bumble the Badger has a most irritating habit. Of course in actual fact he has many irritating habits, but the one that drives me absolutely crazy is his constant practice of tidying up after me every time he comes over. I mean, really – do I need a nanny? I think NOT!

Take yesterday, for example. I was in the living room, right in the middle of an extremely important project – namely, sorting photos of myself into piles for the best-selling autobiography that I’m preparing to write for my many international fans. Unfortunately for me, however, it was at this very moment that Bumble decided to pop in for a cuppa. Clearly he was in a chatty mood, since he followed me into the kitchen talking non-stop in highly excitable tones, and waving his arms about most vigourously. So I got two mugs out of the cupboard and spooned in the coffee and sugar, while he nattered on and on about some rabbit he knew, who had bought a winning lottery ticket and now didn’t know what to do with the money. To be fair, I wasn’t paying much attention to the rabbit’s dilemma. All I was thinking was, if I’d won that lottery, I would have no such problem!

Anyway, while Bumble was chattering away I put the kettle on and took the milk out of the fridge… only to find that when I turned round again, there were no mugs! Wondering where they had gone, I opened the cupboard to see if perhaps I had only imagined taking them out after all. But no! There they were, placed neatly back on the shelf with the coffee and sugar still inside! So I took them out again and put them next to the kettle, ready for when it boiled. In the meantime I got out a cake to serve with the coffee, and then rummaged around in the drawer for a suitable knife to cut it with. At this point the kettle finally came to the boil, so I left the cake to one side and poured some hot water into our mugs. But when I reached for the milk to finish making the drinks, to my surprise and annoyance, it was gone. Predictably, it had found its way back into the fridge, meaning I now had to get it out for the second time! But before I could complete this frustrating process the phone rang, and so after a few moments, Bumble left me alone in the kitchen and went back by himself to the living room….

Well, the caller turned out to be another really chatty friend who kept me on the line for half an hour, and at the end of this time, quite naturally I was gasping for a cup of coffee and a nice piece of cake. But when I looked up, there was no sign of either the drinks or the cake. It seemed that Bumble had disposed of the lot, then washed up the crockery, put everything away, and wiped all the surfaces clean!

By now I was rapidly losing my cool, but as I emerged from the kitchen I unexpectedly crossed paths with the badger coming the other way. He seemed in a hurry, and pushing past me he paused only to say, ‘Sorry, Grumpkin, got to dash, I should have been at the dentist’s ten minutes ago! Oh, and by the way, I’ve tidied up for you…’

Tidied up? OH, NO!

As I gazed round the living room, I hardly recognised the scene before me. Gone were my dirty plates and mugs that had adorned the mantelpiece for the last week. Gone were my assorted research books and papers which had been strewn over the floor to help me with my work. And worse than that – gone were all my precious photographs, vanished without a trace!

‘Stop Bumble, stop!’ I cried, running to the door to shout after him. ‘You can’t rush off like this without telling me where everything is! What have you done with my photos?’ The badger turned his head, hesitating as a frown flitted across his face. ‘Your photos?’ he repeated slowly. ‘Ah, yes, now I remember. I think there were some old photos in the waste bin that I emptied just now.’
‘Oh, good,’ I said, greatly relieved, ‘so where are they?’
‘Well, I put them with the rest of the rubbish, didn’t I,’ said the badger, who seemed rather surprised to be asked.
‘Yes, yes – and where’s that?’ I went on eagerly.
‘Really, Grumpkin, you do ask some silly questions!’ he replied with a snort. ‘Where else do you and I put our recycling rubbish? In the fire, of course, to save on heating costs!’