It’s true, fans, they’re totally nuts! What makes me say this? Well, I’ll have you know that the children – a boy and a girl who are twins aged about ten – have been left entirely alone all day to carry out whatever mischief they like. And although they arrived only yesterday, from the second they moved into that house they have targeted me mercilessly with their pranks!
And here’s the proof:
Today I came home from the local store to find my front door blocked by a most unusual object. After gazing at it open-mouthed for a moment or two, I finally took it to be a state of the art, and perfectly rat-sized racing car! It was a lovely green colour, with a seating area just big enough for one, and four long arms extending outwards to make a giant cross. At the end of these arms, smart blue-green propellers were positioned over what I assumed to be the four wheels – placed there, so I thought, to lend even greater speed to this incredible racing machine. What a beauty! I had never seen anything like it in my life, and of course I immediately wanted a closer look. So leaving my shopping bags by the door, I walked slowly round it a couple of times, admiring its symmetry and sleek lines. Then after a while I decided to climb aboard and check out the controls.
But upon mounting this strange vehicle, I was amazed to discover that it possessed no dials or knobs, no dashboard of any kind, and not even a steering wheel to guide it with. How then, I wondered, could anyone drive such a car?
I was just leaning forwards to see if perhaps there were some controls at the front of it, when a sudden whirring sound caught my attention. At the same time, rather to my surprise the propellers started spinning all by themselves, in so doing creating quite a breeze. Fearing that this signalled the approach of the car’s rightful owner, I correctly concluded that I should get off the vehicle immediately. Unfortunately, however, at that very instant an unexpected development prevented this sensible action…
The car became airborne.
Before I knew what was happening I found myself clinging on for dear life, with my hands hooked around the two front arms of the machine, and the rest of me draped over the bodywork like a great big furry flag flapping in the wind. Well, let me tell you, that was some ride! As we surged abruptly heavenwards, I left my stomach lagging behind me by at least fifty feet. My wide eyes bulged with fright as they beheld the landscape dropping away beneath me till the neighbours’ house shrank right down to the size of a postage stamp!
But that wasn’t all… Then the flying machine embarked on some fancy aerial manoeuvres, wheeling around in circles and figures of eight, and alternately plunging and soaring, till I began to feel thoroughly sick. And just when I thought I couldn’t hang on any longer, that was when the thing started its pièce de résistance – a spinning nosedive that set me on an unerring collision course with Planet Earth!
Screaming with terror, I found myself bombing towards the ground at breakneck speed, whirling round and round so fast that before long the inevitable happened, and I and the machine parted company. Then, still screaming, I completed my maiden flight by arriving with a huge whooshing SPLASH in an ornamental fishpond!
However, as I rose to the surface to gasp for air, I thought I heard something familiar – a bubbly kind of giggling sound that is most typical of juvenile humans. And sure enough, next minute a bright green flying machine bopped me on the head from behind, and down I went for the second time…
Since then I’ve been down another six times, and still that wretched machine keeps coming back for more pot shots at my head! Well, I mean REALLY, are you all asleep out there… ?
How much longer are you fans going to leave me floundering about in this pond before you call the coastguard!!
