Yes indeed, fans, I thank God that I am not like others of my species – small-minded, quarrelsome rodents with lively tempers and sharp tongues. By contrast, I am a Rat of distinction, meaning that I am able to restrain my indignation at all times – except of course when called upon to defend the common good. And I can’t tell you what a blessing it is to have the gift of self-control in the face of provocation, some of which can come quite literally out of nowhere, when my guard is down and it’s the last thing in the world that I’m expecting!

Take Monday afternoon, for instance. I was in the kitchen, minding my own business and relaxing with a nice cup of coffee, when all of a sudden there was a loud commotion on the lawn outside my house. With that, I rushed to the window, and what should I see but my neighbour Mr. Lewis doing battle with the largest cardboard package I have ever laid eyes on in my life! There he was, grunting and growling, and letting out not a few very audible expletives, as he struggled to force the oversized package through the doorway of his home – but to no avail. I mean, REALLY! Why couldn’t he simply remove the packaging first? But no, clearly he was not about to be beaten by a bundle of surplus cardboard! And so the aggression continued…

Naturally enough, all this kerfuffle soon shattered my peace and set my nerves on edge. But I was even more alarmed when the man burst into the shed which contains my own home, Grumblemore. Uncertain of his intentions, from behind the kitchen curtain I looked on with suspicion as he rummaged around for some tools to aid him in his endeavours, all the while fuming with frustration. Then to my relief he found what he wanted at last, and went back to the task in hand. But imagine my astonishment when, after some strenuous and painstaking effort, this same neighbour removed the front door from its hinges so as to jiggle his container through the doorway!

Honestly now, which is easier – to remove some packaging, or to remove a door? (And humans call us rats ‘dumb animals’!!)

In any event the thing was finally inside his property, and so that was the end of that, or so I naively thought. But to my dismay, early on Tuesday morning I woke up to a nasty surprise. It seemed that Mr. Lewis had been obliged to discard the cardboard casing after all, and overnight had dumped the whole lot in the shed, thus effectively blocking my way out of Grumblemore.

Well, I can tell you, I was furious! But instead of staying mad, it wasn’t long before I decided that the best (and by far the most enjoyable) response to this was going to be REVENGE.

Revenge. Yes, fans, it sounds like such a simple, efficient solution, doesn’t it? And that was definitely how I planned it when I spent the day chewing that huge heap of cardboard into a thousand portable slivers! Following this, after nightfall I took much pleasure in carrying them all up to Mr. Lewis’s letter box (which I accessed via a convenient workbench that was left outside), and then posting the pieces one by one onto his doormat. At the end of this procedure, as I peered through the narrow portal to admire my handiwork, my eyes alighted on a ginormous tower of litter which totally barred the way out of his house. What a coup! I could hardly wait to see his reaction the next day!

Then as expected, when Wednesday dawned I was pleased to observe the predicted annoyance of Mr Lewis, who emerged with much difficulty from his property, uttering various unrepeatable sayings and shaking bits of cardboard from his clothes and shoes. This gave me so much satisfaction that before long I found myself actually singing for joy, after which, humming a popular little tune, I set off to the local store to buy a cake to celebrate my victory! But of course time goes by a lot faster when we’re happy, which meant that it was some hours later when I eventually returned home. And so it was that I was just coming into the garden, and still humming the same popular song, when an unfamiliar sight stopped me dead in my tracks.

What on earth was that…?

It was then that I discerned a pile of big blue shapeless objects, semi-transparent and glistening brightly in the afternoon sun. Oh, NO – recycling bags! The man had swept up all the cardboard and tipped it into plastic sacks that now entirely filled the shed, thus obstructing my way back into Grumblemore. In other words, he had boomeranged my own revenge back at myself!

Well, we’ve all heard the old adage, ‘Don’t get mad, get even’. But I think there’s a phrase missing from this piece of wisdom. In my opinion it should say, ‘Don’t get mad, get even. But if that doesn’t work, go berserk!’ That’s why when Mr. Lewis shut me out of my house, I did the only sensible thing I really could do in the circumstances:

I climbed all the way up to the attic above his bedroom – then I ranted and raved, and screamed and shouted at him all night long!

And THEN I felt much better.