Yes, fans, I’m well aware that Christmas is the season to be jolly, but I mean REALLY! Some people have a very warped sense of humour and don’t know when to stop. What am I talking about? Well, the Santa Claus delivery service, of course! And when I tell you that this little tale involves those notorious pranksters, the ten year old twins who live next door, it will surely come as no surprise that my fate was sealed from the moment I signed up to volunteer!

But wait, I’d better back up for a second. You do know, don’t you, that Santa Claus himself can’t possibly distribute Christmas presents to every single child in the whole wide world? Earth is a very big planet, you see, and so for that reason he needs an awful lot of helpers if his gifts are going to be delivered to all children everywhere by the end of Christmas Eve. I don’t mean human helpers, of course – they are far too inept and clumsy to be of any use to Santa. No, what I’m talking about is animal helpers, hand-picked for their superior fitness and acrobatic skills: criteria which quite obviously make ME, the Acrobatic Aristoc-Rat, a natural choice for the job! This said, as you might expect I volunteered my services at the earliest opportunity, and then breezed through the selection process without a hitch. Then after that there was nothing more for me to do but to sit back and wait for further instructions to arrive by post.

Sure enough, it wasn’t long before I received a letter from the North Pole informing me of the addresses where I was to deliver gifts. And even though animal volunteers nearly always distribute presents to the children living nearest to them, I have to confess I was quite unprepared for Santa’s orders assigning me to be his bearer of Christmas joy to – of all people– my neighbours, the Lewis twins!

Now to be fair, Hugh and Sue Lewis might be perfectly nice children, if they ever had reason to believe that their good behaviour would be sufficiently profitable. However, lacking as they are in financial inducements, they instead delight in creating mischief, havoc and destruction wherever they go. And so, dear fans, imagine my dismay when I saw what gift Santa was going to ask me to deliver to them:

None other than ‘Bam the Bruiser’ – the latest robot toy!

Well, for starters you should know that this thing is HUGE, so my first question was, how would I manage to get it into the house without being noticed? As entry points, the doors and windows were clearly out of the question, being, as they were, locked from the inside. That left only one other real alternative – namely, the chimney. Fortunately for me, the family had just installed a brand new boiler and no longer lit fires in the fireplace, meaning that access from there should now be safe. But as I was soon to find out, that was the least of the dangers I would face in this most hazardous of missions. And so, when two of Santa’s elves dropped off the enormous pile of gifts for me to distribute on Christmas Eve, in order to lighten my load I decided to begin my itinerary at the Lewis property – and that was my big mistake…

Thus it was that late on the evening of 24th December I donned my Santa costume, complete with white beard and moustache, and Pom Pom hat – then dragged my gift-laden hand cart out into the crisp winter wind. The cold took my breath away for a second, and I briefly paused to look up at the sky. Winking down on me from above was a panorama of silver stars stretching in all directions for as far as the eye could see. From somewhere in the distance came the sound of church bells ringing, and delicious smells of festive food were emanating from homes all around me. ‘What a perfect night!’ I exclaimed aloud to myself. But it didn’t stay perfect for long.

As I approached the Lewis residence, I noted with satisfaction that the house was in darkness. Great, everyone had gone to bed, that would make my job much easier! Now all I had to do was get the twins’ present up onto the roof and down the chimney, which, thanks to a nearby tree, would be a cinch!

So I quickly removed their gift from the cart and put it into a convenient backpack which I had brought along for the purpose. Then leaving the hand cart under the tree, I swung myself up through the branches till I reached the rooftop. From there it was child’s play to slither down the chimney into the fireplace, and now I only had to place the toy in the children’s stocking before making my getaway.

It all started so well. Upstairs, I easily located the twins’ room and soon found, not a stocking, but a basket full of presents placed between their two beds. With that I slipped off my backpack and dropped the parcel into the basket, then turned and tiptoed away. Marvellous – job done! Now I just had to return to the living room, climb back up the chimney and resume my deliveries. What could be simpler?

Once back in the front room I paused again to savour the seasonal peace and tranquility. A green plastic tree sparkled with lights in the corner, surrounded by a myriad colourful packages, and the whole place was decorated with cards, tinsel and imitation snowflakes. There was a sweet smell of mulled wine hanging in the air, and half empty glasses and the remains of mince pies and other edible debris were left on piles of plates scattered round the room. Boy, that must have been some party! I listened as intermittent snores, sounding at two different musical pitches, indicated a pair of heavy sleepers in the master bedroom upstairs. Clearly Mr. and Mrs. Lewis were out for the count! Well, it was time to get a move on if I was to complete the rest of my deliveries before the early hours, so with that I stepped into the fireplace and stretched up my arms to begin the long climb out of the property…

But at that selfsame instant, the very wrath of hell broke out against me!

Out of nowhere came a mighty roar, then hands like giant graspers clamped hold of my body and dragged me back into the room! What on earth was going on? In vain I kicked and struggled, whatever held me captive had no intentions of letting me go. Then as I finally twisted round to see my abductor, I gasped with shock. Oh, no, I knew that face – I had fallen prey to the master destroyer himself, Bam the Bruiser! Now what was I going to do?

Then before I had time to think, the robot whizzed me three times round in the air and launched me forcefully at the opposite wall! But unknown to him, my many years in the circus had me well trained in the art of aerobatics. And thus it was, that to avoid disaster I spread wide my arms like a bird in flight, then wheeled round and made landfall on the Christmas tree instead! After that I dropped to the floor and disappeared among the presents, but to my horror Bam was right on my trail. Scattering gifts in all directions, he ploughed through the greenery in hot pursuit of his victim, while I, in the meantime, shot for cover under the nearest armchair…

However, a robot is a tenacious beast, and as I was soon to find out, one little armchair is no obstacle to a pulping machine like Bam the Bruiser. He came at the furniture with an ear-splitting war cry, then as if it were made of cardboard, tossed it onto its side and pulverised it with his heavy metal fist! And then, just as I fled in terror back towards the tree, the unthinkable happened – he stepped on my tail and snatched me up from the floor. Next moment he tipped back his head and swung me over his gaping mouth. And as I stared in consternation at his huge incisors, he suddenly released his grip, dropping me like a pebble into a pond, straight past the teeth and down his tubular throat!

Now it was pitch dark, and with only a few minutes of air left, I was desperate to get out of the robot’s belly! But slithering about in his stainless steel innards, I quickly realised I couldn’t climb back up to his mouth. With no other obvious means of escape I was really starting to panic, till I chanced upon a large tangle of wires in the middle of his body. That was when I began biting and tearing everything in reach, which soon had dramatic effect…

All of a sudden Bam went into convulsions, falling to the floor and throwing his limbs wildly about. On his torso multi-coloured lights flashed repeatedly on and off, and strange, unintelligible sounds came from between his snapping jaws.

Meanwhile, inside his body I bounced back and forth like a ping-pong ball in a frenzy – until, from the depths of the underworld, out it came:

A ginormous MEGA-SNEEZE!

And with that, the full force of a hurricane wind blasted me up through Bam’s chest and out through his nose!

Smashing several glasses, I skidded across the table and slammed head first into the punch bowl. Dazed and confused, I lay there motionless for a second, till shrieks of glee and the sounds of hysterical laughter brought me back to my senses –

OH, NO – the twins!

Quick as a flash I dived off the table, followed by two eager young humans who promptly gave chase! Round and round the floor we raced till I foolishly ran under the Christmas tree, where I was soon cornered. But before giving up I had one more trick up my sleeve: I headed straight for the tree trunk and started climbing! At this, the children plunged their hands into the tree, grabbing and shaking the branches in an effort to catch me, and sending decorations flying on all sides. And so it was that, just as I anticipated, one of them finally pulled too hard and brought the whole, entire tree crashing down on the floor! Then as the place descended into an uproar of shouting and accusations, I slunk quietly back to the fireplace, hauled myself up the chimney and escaped from the house at long last…

But that wasn’t the end.

As I came back down the tree, I was surprised to see a pair of mice in police uniform standing by my hand cart and fixing me with a suspicious stare. Oh dear, what could be wrong now?

‘Evening, Officers, lovely weather for Christmas, isn’t it?’ I remarked, in what I hoped were warm and pleasant tones.

‘Lovely weather? Well, let’s see now, there’s no snow to slow you down tonight, so yes, I would think that is rather good weather for your purposes,’ concurred the first one.

‘Right, and contrary to this morning’s forecast there’s no ice for you to slip on either, is there?  So that’s got to be another big plus, hasn’t it, Mr. Rat?’ the second one chipped in.

‘And to top it off, you don’t even have any fog to get lost in, do you, sir? Not like last night, that was a real pea-souper! So all in all, I’d say the weather looks just about perfect for your sort of activities, wouldn’t you agree?’ the first went on.

‘My sort of activities? Oh, of course you mean the Santa Claus delivery service! Well, yes, you’re absolutely right, with a job as hard as this I really couldn’t have asked for better weather conditions,’ said I with a beaming smile.

‘The Santa Claus delivery service?’ The two officers exchanged incredulous looks, then fell about laughing. ‘Well, we’ve heard it called many things, it’s true, but that’s priceless!’ they said.

‘Really, Officers, there’s no need to be rude,’ I replied indignantly. ‘I’ll have you know that I’m performing a highly valuable public service.’

But to my annoyance, the pair only laughed the louder. ‘A valuable public service!’ the second officer repeated, as tears of merriment rolled down his cheeks. ‘Dear me, that’s the best joke I’ve heard all year – just wait till the Chief reads it in my report!’

‘Joke? No, Officer, it’s no joke, I assure you!’ I said firmly, by now beginning to lose my temper. ‘For goodness’ sake, have some common sense! Why else do you think I’m dressed in this Father Christmas costume?’

‘Oh, I don’t know, for the same reason that I’m dressed as the Tooth Fairy, I should imagine,’ came the snappy reply.

‘You’re dressed as the Tooth Fairy?’ I said, blinking in puzzlement at the policeman’s blue uniform.

But then, as my gaze began travelling down my own body I just couldn’t believe what I saw:

It seemed that Bam the Bruiser had completely swallowed my Santa outfit, and I now had no clothes on at all!

‘All right, sir, perhaps you’d like to explain how you’ve come to be in possession of these stolen goods?’ said the first officer, pointing to the presents on my hand cart.

‘You think I’m a thief?’ I was mortified at the very idea. ‘Oh, no, Officer, these aren’t stolen goods, they’re Christmas gifts for the local children,’ I said, as I hurried to correct him.

‘Christmas gifts, eh? Dear, oh dear, you must think we were born yesterday! Well, if that’s really the best you can come up with, then I’m afraid you’re going to have to come down to the station for some further questioning,’ he told me.

‘What – you’re surely not intending to arrest me?’ I cried in disbelief. Then, as they yanked my hands behind my back and I heard the unmistakable sound of handcuffs clinking shut, ‘This is a scandal, don’t you know who I am? I’m Lord Grumpkin of Grumblemore, the world famous Aristoc-Rat – you can’t do this to me, I have royal blood! I’ll have you know that I’m one thousand three hundred and thirteenth in line to the Throne of Rattyland, I demand to be treated with respect! Now uncuff me immediately, do you hear me?’

‘Right you are, sir, and I’m the Queen of Sheba,’ came the witty retort,  ‘and if you have any problems with that, you can express your royal displeasure in person to our formidable Chief of Police.’

‘No, no, Officer, I’m telling you this is all wrong, you’re making a terrible mistake!’

‘Well, why don’t we let the Chief decide that, Your Majesty?’

And then believe it or not, quick as a wink they bundled me into their waiting vehicle and took me away.

Well, I can tell you, fans, I’ve never been so humiliated in all my life! I spent the rest of that night and the whole of Christmas Day in a police cell, waiting for them to confirm my status as a Santa volunteer. And did they apologise for this ignominious treatment? No, of course not! Then when they finally did release me, I found that a crafty little weasel called Sneak had not only taken over my Christmas delivery duties for that night, but also persuaded Santa to give him my job for three more years! I mean, the cheek of it! Is there no justice on planet Earth?

So much for helping others, I think I’ll spend next Christmas enjoying myself for a change. Perhaps I could go away instead? I’m sure if I look hard enough I could find a nice package holiday somewhere very far from here, where the locals treat celebrities like me with the proper reverence and honour.

Hmm, that’s given me an idea… I wonder if NASA has any upcoming Mars Missions  that would interest me?