Well, I mean, really!  What am I, just some plain and ordinary little lab-rat who exists for no other reason than to be poked, prodded, and pricked with needles for the greater good of humankind? Or am I Lord Grumpkin of Grumblemore, AKA the Acrobatic Aristoc-Rat – four-time winner of the Nat-Rat Angling Trophy, all-round hero of international acclaim, and Genus Rattus World Super-brain of 2017? I can tell you, fans, I am absolutely hopping mad! Someone’s going to pay dearly for this, I promise you – that is, if I ever find out who that someone is… But unfortunately, given the very peculiar nature of the circumstances involved, I fear that this might turn out to be a rather tricky endeavour.

As you may recall, I had just taken some pieces of what I was later told was fool’s gold to the jewellers for evaluation, when all of a sudden I became unexplainably drowsy. Then, because I was unable to speak or respond to Mr. Bead’s attempts to rouse me from this torpor, it was falsely presumed that I was unconscious. In fact nothing was further from the truth. For while my body was indeed dead to the world, my mind was fully alert to everything around me – meaning of course that not only did I hear and understand all that was said, but I know EXACTLY what happened to me during this whole calamitous affair!

The second that Shifty’s countdown ended, my heart jumped in my chest and a strong feeling of nausea spread right through me. At that selfsame instant our craft shuddered briefly, then regained equilibrium as the soft but powerful whirring of the engine carried us away from Planet Earth and out into distant space. Not long after this, without warning the temperature suddenly dipped. But Shifty was on it straight away, barking out orders to her colleague Sham – otherwise known as Mr. Bead – who then restored it to normal in no time at all. Well, clearly these two were not jewellers, were they! So who in heaven’s name were they, and what did they want with me? Naturally enough, these thoughts troubled me greatly, and I soon began to wonder if I would ever see home again.

In due course I noticed a change in the sound of the engine, then another wave of nausea came over me. Next minute there was a muffled clank, and the whirring noise abruptly stopped. At that point Shifty and Sham left me alone, and for quite a while I remained there in silence, still unable to open my eyes or even twitch a finger. Finally I heard Shifty’s voice coming back to the room, and for some strange reason this seemed to put me at ease. But any sort of peace that I might have felt was blown away in a heartbeat when the voice that answered her wasn’t Sham’s…

Before I knew it the two voices were directly overhead, and an unknown entity was speaking in a very odd kind of faltering English. It was as if he was translating phrase by phrase from another tongue, and filling in the gaps with droning noises.

‘Mmm, yes, I see. This is… mmm… what you people call “rattus norvegicus”. A nice enough specimen, but why the clothes, mmm?’

‘I’ve explained that, Number Fifteen, it’s because he’s a special rat, of course. You should know us by now, we only ever bring you the best,’ Shifty said.

‘Mmm… you say special, you mean expensive, mmm,’ came the response. ‘But for experiment purposes, all rats are equal… mmm… mmm… We pay the same fee for rats with clothes, or without them, mmm… So, very sorry, we offer no special price for special rat, mmm.’

I listened in horror as the conversation unfolded. What was that he just said? For experiment purposes…?

‘Don’t be so quick to judge, Number Fifteen, I’m telling you, this rat is different!’ said Shifty as she continued her sales pitch. ‘He’s well worth the extra investment, so if you’re not prepared to up your offer, then I’m afraid it’s no deal. After all, there are plenty of other science labs out there who would jump at the chance to test such a rare creature!’

‘Mmm… nothing about this rat looks rare to me, mmm,’ complained Number Fifteen. ‘However, mmm… if you give me some minutes or so, I can consult with Numbers Sixteen and Seventeen, mmm… Perhaps they will be prepared… mmm… mmm… to “up” our offer, as you say.’

‘Very well, but I need your answer soon. If you don’t want him, I have other interested parties who will look at my specimen today, but it will take us at least two hours just to get to their galaxy!’

Surely my ears were deceiving me! What, I was Shifty’s specimen now?

It seemed like only seconds after this when I became aware of yet more entities in the room, and soon the place was humming with noise as they conferred among themselves. At length one of them said, ‘All right, mmm… you will leave us now to begin our work… mmm… mmm.’

‘Leave? But wait, where’s my gold? The terms of our agreement plainly state that I must be paid in full before you start your experiments!’ protested Shifty.

‘No, this agreement is not satisfactory, we make new terms now, mmm… First we verify specimen quality, mmm… If he is special, as you claim, we will pay you a higher price, mmm… mmm… If he is not special, we will pay you nothing, mmm.’

‘Nothing? What do you mean, you’ll pay me nothing?’ Shifty cried indignantly. ‘You can’t go around changing our agreement like that, it’s outrageous!’

‘Mmm… First we test the specimen. If he is not special, we do not pay, mmm… We think this is reasonable. We have plenty of average rats already, mmm.’

‘I don’t believe it, Sham and I came all this way because you said we had a deal!’ she exploded. ‘How dare you spring this on us at the last moment!’

‘Mmm… Your intentions are not clear, mmm… mmm… You are saying you no longer wish to proceed with the tests, mmm…?’

‘Oh, for goodness sake! All right, then, have it your way, you have one hour to test the rat. But if you don’t implant him after that, I’m taking him to the next galaxy!’

What? They were going to implant me?  Somebody HE-E-ELP!!

The sheer fright of it all prized my eyelids open just enough to see several blue-grey creatures with huge black slanting eyes approaching my couch. One of them was holding the biggest, noisiest dentist’s drill I have ever seen in my life, and as I watched in horror, he plunged it sharply down towards my chest.

‘No, no, STOP!’ I shouted as loud as I could in my head –

And then I fainted.

In my dreams I was was floating in blackness, turning gentle somersaults as I rolled further and further from the alien ship and out into empty space. I recall feeling rather dazed, and since I was lost and alone in the universe, wondering how it was possible that I could still hear the voices of others around me. Then as I slowly started recognising some of their words, I strained with all my senses to catch hold of what they were saying.

‘Well, Number Four, as we told Shifty, mmm… this rat is certainly not very special,’ one of the voices remarked. ‘Still, mmm… I have to confess that his tail is a little longer than usual for rattus norvegicus.’

‘Yes, that is a plus point, Number Six. Also, his condition is quite good for his age, I think,’ said Number Four.

‘And I see he has nice, strong, active brain waves that would transmit well from Planet Earth, mmm, mmm,’ Number Six concurred.

‘That is true. But is he really worth the price?’ asked Number Four.

‘Yes, that is the question. So… let us settle this with a game of rock-paper-scissors, mmm, mmm… The first pair of matching hands will decide his fate, mmm… We get two papers or two scissors, and he is rejected. We get two rocks, and we implant him. Agreed?’

‘Agreed,’ said Number Four. ‘All right, then – go!’

‘No, that is one paper and one scissors. Try again!’ said Number Six.

‘No, now we have one rock and one paper. Again!’ said Number Four.

And then – ‘Two rocks!’ they both cried in unison, so loudly that my eyes shot open with the shock.

‘Look, he is awake. Quick, sedate him!’ one of them said.

And that’s the last thing I remember before I woke up at home.

It was the soft, bird-like trill of my newly acquired mobile phone that finally roused me from oblivion. I lay there for a moment trying to figure out where I was and what had happened to me, but my mind was a complete blank. At length, since the phone was still ringing for my attention, I swung my legs off the bed and stood up to answer it – then promptly collapsed on the floor.

Seriously, fans, I was as floppy as a plate of jelly. What on earth was going on? And then it came back to me: of course, till now I hadn’t been on Earth, had I? I’d been off-world on an alien spaceship! Well, that explained everything, I was clearly experiencing the after-effects of zero gravity. I knew these would eventually pass, but in the meantime I had to find a way to get that telephone. So with that, I half wriggled, half dragged myself along the floor till I reached the device. But just as I went to tap ‘Answer’, the ringing stopped. Incredulous, I paused for a moment to mutter a few choice words under my breath… then with a deep sigh I began slowly and painfully dragging myself back to bed. However, no sooner had I got comfortable under the covers when I was once more startled by the soft, persistent chirpings of my mobile phone…

I couldn’t believe it!

Oh, NO – did I actually have to make that excruciating journey all over again?

Thus it was that panting heavily with the effort, I struggled back to catch the call with just seconds to spare before it cut off for the second time.

‘Hello,’ I gasped, ‘who’s there?’

‘This is Channel Eight News,’ the voice replied. ‘Am I speaking with Lord Grumpkin of Grumblemore?’

‘Yes, that’s me, what can I do for you?’ I asked, working hard to get my breath back.

‘Well, sir, an unidentified object was seen hovering over your property last night. We wondered whether you were aware of it and could tell us anything about it?’

‘Aware of it? Well, of course I was, I was in it, wasn’t I!’

‘You were in it?’ The voice sounded astonished.

‘Yes, the aliens were just bringing me home after implanting me,’ I explained simply.

There was a prolonged pause. And then: ‘Okay, let me be sure I’ve got this straight. You’re telling me that you’ve been implanted by aliens?’

‘That’s right, yes.’

‘I see… Uh, sir, would you be prepared to give us an exclusive interview about this? I can assure you, Channel Eight would pay you a very competitive price for your story.’

‘You would?’ My brain began generating pound signs. ‘Oh, well, then, why not!’ I said happily, as thoughts of paying off the Superstore and dispensing with the services of Hervor and Sissy the Mink flooded me with new strength. ‘Let’s see, it’s around eleven o’clock now, and I can be ready for you in about two hours. So when would you like to come?’

And sure enough, two hours later the TV crew arrived.

They were a motley bunch. Blink the Mouse was their cameraman, a heavy-set toad called Butch was the producer, and the reporter was Voley the Vole. For some reason Channel Eight had sent two editors – Spike the Hedgehog and Mike the Rat, who couldn’t agree about anything – together with a sound engineer named Bear, who despite being a very small shrew, quite literally ran the show. All of this created many heated arguments. Subjects ranged from what was or wasn’t the right kind of lighting for the prevailing weather conditions, to the person who was meant to have brought the sandwiches. Meanwhile Butch took great exception to taking orders from anyone, particularly from small shrews. And determined as he was that no one was going to interfere with HIS exclusive story, he set about to make it as hard as possible for Bear to get a word in edgeways. Thus it was that as a result of all the chaos, the interview got off to a rather shaky start…

‘Ready?’ Butch the producer asked Blink the cameraman. Then as he nodded back, ‘Right, then – ACTION!’

‘So, Lord Grumpkin, perhaps you could begin your amazing story by telling us how you came to be abducted by aliens,’ said Voley the reporter, full of excitement. But before I could open my mouth to reply:

‘CUT!’ shouted the producer. ‘Come on, Voley, we’ve been through this. Lord Grumpkin has never actually claimed he was abducted, has he? What he said was, he was in the jewellers’ shop when it suddenly turned into a spacecraft and took off.’

‘Right, boss. Very sorry, I’ll start again.’

‘All right – ACTION!’

‘So, Lord Grumpkin, perhaps you could begin your amazing story by describing for us how the jewellers shop that you were in suddenly turned into a spaceship,’ Voley said brightly.

‘Erm… well, uh, I can’t really describe how it happened, because my eyes were shut at the time, I’m afraid,’ I told him.

‘CUT!’ shouted the producer. ‘Voley, he told you ages ago that he couldn’t see anything, didn’t he? Well, for goodness sake, then – instead of asking him what he could see, ask him what he could hear!’ He paused briefly to mop his troubled brow. And then, ‘Okay, ready? ACTION!’

‘So, Lord Grumpkin,’ said the much berated reporter for the third time, ‘I wonder if you could begin your amazing story by telling us something about the sounds you heard when the jewellers shop that you were in suddenly transformed into a spacecraft?’

‘Oh, yes, certainly I can,’ I answered. ‘Well, of course, at first the noise was very loud, as you’d expect. But after we took off, this immediately stopped and then… erm, there was just a sort of quiet humming sound, really. And well, as far as sounds are concerned, I’m not exactly sure what more I can say.’

‘CUT!’ shouted the producer, now at his wits end. ‘Really, Voley, can’t you come up with better questions than that? Well, for heaven’s sake, then, hand the mike over to ME and let’s get this show on the road!’

With that, at the end of about three and a half hours the first part of my story was finally in the can. And we had just decided to complete the job the following morning, when out of nowhere came some unexpected knocks at the front door. This was the more surprising since we were all standing outside and facing it at the time, meaning that whoever was doing the banging was actually inside my house. In fright I grabbed a thick stick for a bludgeon, and approached the handle with my heart pounding fit to burst. Then, wrenching it firmly open, ‘All right, we know you’re in there, come out with your hands up!’ said I, swinging the stick up above my shoulder like a cricket bat…

Upon which words – and to the huge stupefaction of all – a small, blue-grey creature with black slanting eyes shuffled slowly out of the shadows and stood stock-still in the doorway!

‘Mmm… I should not be on your planet. You have kidnapped me!’ he growled, riveting me with a piercing stare.

‘Oh, no, no one’s kidnapped you. You must have got accidentally left behind, that’s all,’ I assured him in my brightest, cheeriest voice as I lowered the stick. ‘But don’t worry, I’m sure the others will come back for you eventually. Maybe you’d like a cup of tea while you’re waiting?’

‘Tea? Mmm…What is tea?’

Unfortunately however, the intrepid Channel Eight team had just spotted a new scoop unfolding right there in front of them, and so naturally they were not about to miss the opportunity of the century.

‘Quick, let’s have some light on its face, and I want that camera rolling NOW!’ snapped Butch the producer, beads of sweat running down his cheeks.

‘On it, boss!’ yelled Spike the editor, who also doubled as the lighting manager.

‘Ready when you are!’ called cameraman Blink.

‘Right, then, stand by… Okay, and – ACTION!’ roared Butch…

And action there was.

The second the spotlight hit him, the alien let out a scream.

‘You have attacked me, I will summon the mothership!’ he cried, instantly shielding his super-sensitive eyes.

‘Now we can’t see his face – quick, get that camera closer!’ barked Butch the producer.

‘Stop advancing, or you will be destroyed,’ declared the alien, pointing a long, thin tube at the offending equipment.

‘That’s great, keep it coming, keep it coming!’ Butch said, beckoning Blink closer still.

‘I said, stop,’ the alien repeated.

‘Okay, now give me a close-up of that pipe thing, Blink.’

There followed an almighty bang.

‘All right, there’s another camera in my bag,’ said the producer. ‘Someone want to carry Blink to the car?’

However, much to his displeasure, just then the skies grew unexplainably dark. As we turned our gaze heavenwards, an enormous spherical object appeared over our heads and shone down a bright silver beam to examine us. It quickly located the alien, lifting him off the ground, up through the air and into the ship. And then it located Butch.

‘HELP, HELP! Somebody save me!’ he shrieked to his scattering crew as he was drawn inexorably upwards. Then as soon as it had him it was gone, and so off went the rest of us to my place for a well-deserved cup of tea.

As it turned out, following his abduction Butch the producer was found five days later in the forest having successfully grown a beard, which, being a singular achievement for a toad, soon earned him a prominent place in the Guinness Book of Records. Furthermore, being abducted by aliens also gave him an exclusive story of his own, which became first a book and then a movie, and made him a personal fortune.

In due course my interview was featured on Channel Eight and got record ratings. Thanks to this I was paid more than enough money to settle my debts with the Superstore and return to normal life. But in time I realised that something was missing. I had indeed been bitten by the bug, and just couldn’t settle down till I went back to the stream to resume my quest for gold. Sadly though, this new-found passion for treasure-seeking was about to get me into a really HUMONGOUS heap of trouble for something that was totally not my fault (which of course goes without saying, since nothing ever is).

But more about that later.