As you are no doubt aware, fans, I am an army reservist of some renown, but what you may not know is that I actually come from a long line of British war heroes. Chief among these was my great-great-grandfather Lord Small, a shorter than average rat who was affectionately nicknamed ‘Salvo’ on account of his shorter than average temper. True to his combative nature, Lord ‘Salvo’ Small was completely fearless in serving his country and rose rapidly up through the ranks till he was appointed Admiral of the Fleet in May 1918. He was sadly killed in action when his ship was torpedoed just minutes before the armistice came into force, at the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month of that same year. And so a whole century later – on Armistice Day 2018 – I could not have felt more privileged to be able to honour his memory at the Rodent Heroes’ Memorial Service which was held in the secret wartime tunnels beneath the Castle of Dover.
May I digress for a moment to say that if you haven’t yet visited this amazing labyrinth of underground passageways, then the experience would be well worth your time. There is a 40-minute guided tour in which you can get a real sense of the historic events that occurred there, starting from the time of Napoleon and ending with World War II. But unfortunately you will not see the rodent tunnels, which are out of bounds to humans and heavily guarded for security reasons. It is here that my regiment still holds its covert meetings and military exercises, making full use of the extensive network of burrows so as to hone the skills necessary to repel an enemy attack.
As for the Armistice Day commemorations which unfolded in that place, our ceremony was certainly a fitting tribute to the brave souls who fell while defending this land. Indeed, stepping forward to lay a wreath in memory of my great-great-grandfather who died exactly one hundred years before, I found tears coming to my eyes as I wondered how in the world I could ever match his selfless sacrifice that saved so many lives. However, little known to me at the time was how soon my own heroic character was going to be put to the test…
It all started at dawn the next day when I was woken by some soft, unfamiliar sounds that seemed to be coming from really close by. At this my eyes shot open and rolled wildly around in their sockets. My heart was pounding fit to burst as I held my breath, struggling to identify the noise. Could an enemy have infiltrated our military base? Was I about to be murdered in my bed? These and many other fearful thoughts tumbled over and over in my brain, till all of a sudden the face of a black rat thrust itself abruptly into mine. Then the face pulled into a frown, and two words exploded from its mouth:
‘You – UP!’ it snorted. ‘Right, zip your lip, turn around, and put your hands up where I can see them.’ And so as if in some sort of hypnotic trance, I obediently rose to my feet and turned, wincing as the intruder slammed a small metal object into my back. With that I swallowed hard and raised my arms in the air, wondering what on earth he planned to do next. Then, ‘Okay, we’re going down to the officers’ mess,’ he told me. ‘I said, come on, MOVE it! And don’t try anything funny or I’ll blow you away!’
To the officers’ mess…? Why in heaven’s name were we going there? But as he dug the object even deeper into my spine, I bit back the questions and followed his instructions to the letter till we finally reached our destination.
It must have been about five in the morning when we got down to the dimly lit corridor where this was located. That was much too early for anyone to be at breakfast, even though the clanking of pots and pans on the stove could plainly be heard from the kitchen. But instead of being taken into the mess hall, to my surprise I was shoved under a table that stood near the door, and then given new orders.
‘All right, we’re going to wait here very quietly till Commander Sparks comes down,’ the black rat told me. ‘Then as soon as he does, you’re going to jump out and say that there’s something wrong with the security system and he needs to get up to the Control Room. Now – do as you’re told and no one gets hurt, but try anything clever and you’re dead meat! Got it?’ The question was followed by an ominous click from the object buried in my back.
‘Yes,’ I murmured faintly, my brain working overtime as I tried to picture a way out of the dilemma.
‘Okay, someone’s coming. Get ready, this could be him!’
I couldn’t believe it! He had barely stopped speaking when who should come into view but Commander Sparks, the very same officer to whom I now had to tell a bunch of believable lies. And before I had time to think twice, a sharp prod from behind propelled me straight into his path…
‘Private Grumpkin! What are you doing here?’ asked the no-nonsense Commander, an opinionated grey squirrel who was never, ever wrong. ‘Surely you know that the rank and file aren’t permitted in the officers’ quarters?’
‘Yes, sir, and I’m very sorry to trouble you, but it seems that we’ve got a security problem upstairs,’ I said.
‘A security problem? Well, what’s that got to do with you, Grumpkin? The Control Room will take care of that, now return to your quarters immediately.’
‘Ah, well, you see, sir, that’s exactly the problem. The Control Room hasn’t been responding to any of our communications for several hours now, so that’s raised the alarm. Do you think you could come up and see what’s wrong?’
‘I see, well, it’s probably our WiFi system again. Right, leave it with me, I’ll get the technicians on it posthaste. Now get back to your quarters.’
Then as an extra loud click came from under the table, I scrambled my wits to invent yet another convincing lie. And so, ‘I’m sorry to be a nuisance, sir, but I’m afraid it’s really not looking like a WiFi issue,’ I said hastily. ‘We have grounds to suspect that the Control Centre isn’t responding because it may be under some kind of enemy influence. We need you to come and check it out right away.’
A deep, frustrated sigh steamed out of the officer’s mouth. ‘I knew it, it’s those confounded Frenchies again! The last time they tried something like this they got into the bakery and rolled all our dough into long, thin sticks. Then because you can’t make cucumber sandwiches out of bread sticks, that meant there was no lunch, and so the entire regiment went on strike. On strike, I tell you! I mean, the shame of it! To this day we’ve never lived it down.’ He paused to look me pointedly in the eye. ‘All right Private Grumpkin, standing around like this will get us nowhere, we must get upstairs without delay. Now watch my back, and be prepared for action!’
Be prepared for action? As sensible as the order might have seemed, in the confusion of the moment Commander Sparks had failed to take account of one notable detail: Neither of us was armed.
So with that we now embarked on a tortuous journey up the steep winding staircase that led to the Control Room in the tower. Commander Sparks went first, huffing, puffing, and intermittently announcing his choicest thoughts on the subject of ‘those confounded Frenchies’. Struggling to keep up, I came huffing and puffing after Commander Sparks, while huffing and puffing behind me came the stealthy black rat, his firearm still pressed into my ribs. Then at length we reached the top and found ourselves only steps away from the room that was our Centre of Operations. Upon this the Commander turned to me and said, ‘Wait here while I do a spot of reconnaissance.’ Then he crept up to the door and peered through the glass to see who was inside. After a moment or two his face tightened into a scowl of contempt, and he beckoned me forward with this remark:
‘Right, Grumpkin, I see those confounded Frenchies are playing silly games with us! They’ve hidden themselves from view to make us believe there’s no one there but our own men. Well, we’ll show them, won’t we! Now on a count of three I’m going to kick down the door, and then you and I are going to burst in and take those little creeps by force.’
In vain did I open my mouth to protest the ill-conceived plan. Before I could begin to speak he was already counting down to the action.
‘All right, stand by… Three, two, one, and – GO!’
There followed a great bang as the Commander’s boot connected forcefully with the triple-locked security door.
‘AAAGH!’ he cried as he hopped one-legged from side to side, his hands cradling his crumpled foot.
Then the door opened from within and a person looked out with surprise. ‘Did someone just knock?’ he enquired. ‘Oh, it’s you, sir – I’m sorry, do come in!’
In response to the invitation, Commander Sparks limped in first, huffing and puffing with pain and making various colourful comments under his breath. Then after Commander Sparks came Yours Truly, huffing and puffing with the stress of it all. And finally, bringing up the rear and huffing and puffing with sheer devilish delight came the black rat, who now brandished a pair of pistols as he kicked the door shut behind us. Then next thing we knew, the Commander and I were his hostages and he was in charge of our whole military base…
‘Right, everyone do just as I say, or these two are toast!’ he exclaimed, poking us both in the back of the head with his weapons. Hearing that, a cry of dismay went up round the room as all eyes turned on the aggressor. ‘Now I want you to move away from your desks and get down on the floor,’ came the command. For a second or two there was stunned silence. But then – ‘I said, NOW!’ he barked, and so all personnel duly dropped to their knees.
‘How dare you barge in here and threaten members of Her Majesty’s Armed Forces like this?’ cried the outraged Commander. ‘Exactly who are you, and what do you want?’
‘Did I say you could speak? Shut your trap!’ said the rat, clipping him round the ear with his gun.
Then casting his gaze over the scene before him, he proceeded to select the smallest officer present, a tiny harvest mouse called Captain Buffalo. ‘Hey, you – that’s right, you! Get back to your desk,’ he told him curtly. And when the Captain hesitated, ‘Do it now, or else your Commander gets one in the head!’ So the officer rose to his feet and reluctantly returned to his position. ‘Very good. Now from where I’m standing I see a whole lot of CCTV pictures showing on these computer screens of yours. So what I want you to do, Mousey, is quite simply to turn the cameras off.’
‘Turn them off…?’
‘That’s right. After all, it would hardly be appropriate for you to film our gang breaking into your ammunition store, as I’m sure you’d agree. What we need is a load of guns and dynamite for our next bank robbery, and since this army base has more than enough to spare, that really shouldn’t be too much to ask, now should it?’
So that was the game! These were not Frenchies, as Commander Sparks mistakenly thought, but rather, British thieves out to steal people’s hard-earned cash. Well, we’d soon see about that – I vowed right there and then to take any action possible to thwart their plans and bring them to justice! And as things panned out, I didn’t have to wait long for an opportunity…
I saw my chance when all at once Captain Buffalo went into an involuntary sneezing fit. Being a sensitive, highly-strung mouse meant that he commonly broke into fits of sneezing in times of distress. But of course the black rat did not know this. Instead he suspected the mouse of an elaborate ruse intended to trick him into dropping his guard so he could be overpowered and then taken into custody.
‘Stop that, Mousey! I said, stop that right now!’ he shouted, but to no avail. The poor Captain just could not help himself. The more he was shouted at, the more he sneezed, and the more he sneezed, the angrier became the rat – and that gave me an idea…
Suddenly I went, ‘At-CHOO, at-CHOO!’ And now the black rat rounded on me. ‘Stop it, or I’ll blow your brains out!’ he said menacingly, pushing a pistol into my temple. Then, At-CHOO!’ went Commander Sparks, catching onto my little scheme. And as the rat turned his other pistol on him, the whole room immediately broke into echos of ‘At-CHOO, at-CHOO, at-CHOO! ’ till amid all the confusion he no longer knew which way to point his guns. At that moment the Commander and I exchanged glances. Then with one accord we both wheeled round, grabbed the weapons out of his hands, and took him captive!
Next the Control Room sounded the red alert, and then our base went straight into lockdown till all the gang members were caught and temporarily placed in a holding cell. And when at last that was done, the commanding officer turned to me and said:
‘Good job, Private Grumpkin, but let this experience be a lesson to you. Never be fooled by a perfect English accent, those confounded Frenchies are everywhere! As for this ugly lot, they’ll soon be on the next ferry back to France – and good riddance, I say!’
‘Yes, sir,’ I replied meekly.
‘Oh, and by the way, Grumpkin, didn’t I hear somewhere that there’s a French connection in your family?’
‘In my family, sir? Ah, you must mean my cousin Kvetcher, he’s serving with the Angry Rodent Brigade in Calais.’
‘Is he indeed? Then I imagine he speaks pretty good French?’
‘Yes, sir, just like a native.’
‘Just like a native, eh?’ At this a frown pulled across the Commander’s face. ‘And what’s your French like, Grumpkin?’
‘Oh, none too clever, sir, but I get by.’
‘I see… Hmm, so you get by, do you?’ he muttered. Now he began peering at me from various angles with a monocle that he carried in his pocket. ‘Look here, Private Grumpkin, I must say I find that mighty peculiar,’ he said finally, still drilling into me with his eyes as he returned it to its place. ‘I mean, how many other soldiers do you know here that can get by in French?’
‘Well, now you come to mention it, I’d be hard pressed to think of any, sir,’ I answered honestly.
‘Quite so, Private, and neither can I,’ he said. ‘Therefore it is my solemn duty to place you under arrest on suspicion of being a French spy.’
‘Of being a what…? But sir, you surely can’t be serious – I’ve just helped you save this base from armed infiltrators!’ I exclaimed.
‘On the contrary, Grumpkin, I’ve never been more serious in my life. I’ve had my doubts about you ever since I first heard the rumours about your family,’ he declared, beckoning another officer over to join us. ‘Right, Captain Buffalo, take this character downstairs and put him in the cell with the others till I decide what to do with him. I’ll let you know that later.’
So without further ado I was taken away and thrown into a cell full of bank robbers to await an uncertain fate. But unknown to me then, as I wondered how things could possibly get any worse, I was about to discover the true value of an artful mind… and with that, dear fans, thee began one of the strangest adventures of my life.
