Well, naturally, fans, I was furious! I mean, it doesn’t get more outrageous than this: I had just saved our military base from a bunch of ruthless criminals, when all of a sudden I was accused of being a French spy and then thrown into a cell with those same bloodthirsty bandits! This gang, which is called Rumpus, is one of the most notorious of its kind in the country, so it was going to take all the wits and guile that I possessed to make sure they didn’t kill me on the spot. Indeed, by my reckoning I would be extremely lucky if I survived as much as a couple of hours in their company…

But exactly who are these guys?

As it turns out, they are all black rats who for security reasons are protected by the strictest anonymity. Never even knowing one another’s true identity, they go instead by the code-names A, B, C, D and E. In order to recognise each other they wear personalised uniforms – black football shirts that blend seamlessly into their dark fur – which, as if to mock the police who are always three steps behind them, sport the name RUMPUS in shiny gold capitals on the front and back. Beneath that logo each person’s capital letter appears in white edged with red, and then the slick, professional look is topped off with a pair of scarlet gloves to avoid leaving handprints. I tell you, these brutes are nothing if not stylish! But more than that, between them they have all the brains and brawn they could possibly need to outmanoeuvre the law, making them untouchable – meaning that now I had been delivered into their hands, there was only one way to escape from them alive:

I would have no choice but to play them at their own game, and win!

With this in mind I lost no time in small talk. The instant the door clanked shut behind me I turned to my cell mates and began the biggest, boldest bluff of my entire life:

‘Well, this is a fine mess you’ve got us into!’ I cried, as I worked myself into a steaming temper. ‘Did you seriously think you could rob an army base and get away with it? Don’t you know that nearly all career criminals eventually end up in prison? I mean, what were you thinking!’

For a moment the five bandits just stood before me in amazement, stunned by my performance. Then E said, ‘Aren’t you the rat who set the whole room sneezing and got us all caught? What on earth are you doing here?’

‘Well, turns out you bandits have a reputation for being pretty smart. So when I came up with my sneezing trick, they said this idea was far too clever for me not to be one of you,’ I lied, crossing my fingers behind my back. ‘They claimed that “us robbers” had planned to use the sneezing to create confusion in the Control Room, and then shoot everyone dead so we could take over the base. No one would believe me when I said it wasn’t true.’

‘Is that so?’ B said, eyeing me suspiciously. ‘Well, if that’s the case, then where’s that little harvest mouse who first started sneezing? Why don’t they think he’s one of us too, and why didn’t they throw him in here with you?’

‘Ah, you mean Captain Buffalo. I’m afraid he’s in no longer in a position to be locked up with anyone,’ I told them in a suitably grave voice. ‘Suffice to say his interrogation got a bit too rough, and sadly, he didn’t make it.’

‘Well, that may explain what happened to Mousey,’ went on B, ‘but contrary to what the army says, you are not a member of Rumpus, and we have no use for outsiders. In fact so far from being useful to us, from our point of view you’re very much a liability.’ He fixed me with a menacing stare.

‘A liability?’ Fear gripped my stomach as I realised things were taking a bad turn.

‘Yes. You’ve seen us up close and personal in ways that no one’s ever done before, so you’re a real threat to our security. And we can’t have that, now can we?’

Then as the group of five stepped towards me in a move that was clearly hostile, my lips parted and out came this swift retort:

‘Possibly not, but you could have this!’ I exclaimed, upon which I yanked a large leather box out of my jacket to reveal my latest trophy:

A one-gram nugget of pure gold!

At this they promptly snatched it from me and began arguing amongst themselves. Then when in due course they were forced to concede that it wasn’t fake:

‘All right, where did you get this?’ demanded A, his devilish eyes boring right through me as I struggled to keep my cool.

‘Well, for obvious reasons I can’t tell you that. But if you’re interested, I could offer my services to help you find your own gold,’ I suggested. ‘In fact I’d say that if you want to get rich quick with no risk of a prison term, then without a doubt, prospecting for gold should be your career of choice.’

‘Really…?’ For once it seemed I had struck a chord and they were beginning to take me seriously. ‘So you’re saying you can actually help us find gold?’

‘Well, for a price, of course.’

‘A price! What do you think this is, a business opportunity?’ scoffed A. ‘Rumpus doesn’t pay outsiders. If you want to live, then help us. Don’t help us, and you’re dead!’

I stared back defiantly. ‘If you don’t want my help, then by all means kill me. But if you do, then pay me what I’m worth!’ came my brazen reply.

By now I could sense quite a change of mood rippling through them, so I boldly pressed my advantage…

‘Look, I’ve been told it’s highly likely we’ll be put on the next ferry to Calais. If that’s so, we should all find hiding places during the trip and then get together again when we arrive,’ said I. ‘After that, assuming I’m going to be paid for my trouble, I’ll take you to a quiet little place I know in France where you can start learning the ropes in your new career. But as for my fee, I’m afraid that’s non-negotiable. I want ten percent of the profits, or it’s no deal. So what do you say… are we agreed?’

The black rats exchanged questioning glances.

‘All right, we’ll give you one chance to prove yourself, and if you come up trumps, you’ll get your fee,’ said B. ‘But just remember, Rumpus has many creative ways to dispatch of outsiders, so you can be sure of this: if you let us down, you will never see Britain again!’

Then, trying my best to sound calm and confident, ‘Fine, let’s shake on it,’ I said.

‘Okay, it’s a deal,’ he replied, extending his hand.

And so having finally sealed our agreement, the six of us settled down at last to await our journey to France.

Thus it was that by and by we were unceremoniously removed from our cell and airlifted by the Seagull Division onto the next ferry boat to France. There as planned we hurried to hide ourselves till such time as the boat docked in Calais, upon which we had arranged to meet up and embark on a quest for gold. In the meantime I was worried, and with good reason. I hadn’t a clue where to find such precious metal in France, and the clock was fast ticking down to the moment when I would be exposed as the quick-thinking trickster I really was! So the question was, how in the world was I going to get out of this mess?

As it turned out, I didn’t have long to wait for an answer. The second that I spotted the pamphlet lying on the floor, the words just jumped out and smacked me right between the eyes:

SEE THE PIRATES’ COVE AT PORT BARA

What – there was a pirates’ cove at Port Bara…? You mean, there was a real place where pirates of old hid their priceless treasure, and we could actually go there and look for it? I couldn’t believe it, fate had smiled on me at last! Now all I had to do was get us to Port Bara on the ‘Wild Coast’ as soon as possible, so that the gang could strike it rich and I could escape with my life. However, if I was foolish enough to think that all this was going to be easy, then I was very much mistaken…

Once we got to Calais, the Rumpus gang and I hooked up again in a quiet corner of the ferry boat to discuss how we would get to Port Bara. Both A and C thought that the best way to travel would be by car, so with this suggestion we slipped in among the crowds returning to their vehicles in hopes of finding someone who was heading south west. And it didn’t take long. Soon E was signalling that he’d found us a suitable ride – a young couple with a little boy, who just happened to be discussing their upcoming visit to the Pirates’ Cove as they rearranged the luggage in their four-by-four. Then while the humans were looking the other way:

‘Right, you three jump in the boot and the rest of us will hide under the seats’, whispered A to B, C and E. ‘Just keep your ears open, and I’ll give you a knock from the inside when it’s safe for us all to leave.’ After this, he, D and I hopped in through one of the rear doors and concealed ourselves under the back seat, with me tucked away beneath the child seat. And then before we knew it, the engine roared into action and we were off. But what we couldn’t have guessed before we got on board was how long it would take us to get there – more than ten hours including pit stops – during all of which time I had to endure the persistent kicking of the couple’s six year old son!

This said, in due course we arrived safely at Port Bara and managed to successfully exit the vehicle without being noticed. Since the family had chosen to drive at night to make the most of their short winter break, by now it was mid morning, and the weather was rather chilly thanks to some strong gusts of wind coming off the sea. Despite this, however, the adrenaline rush we got from being so close to the Pirates’ Cove warmed us from the inside out, and we felt invincible as we started down the sandy track that led to the beach.

As luck would have it, we had timed our visit well as the tide was out, exposing the cove to view. Then racing eagerly towards our goal, we swiftly entered its tunnels and penetrated to places human beings can’t reach. Here we carried out a painstaking but fruitless search for treasure, till just when we thought there was none to find there, D suddenly surprised us with this triumphant cry:

‘Come quick, I’ve found something!’

And sure enough, as we rushed to the spot full of anticipation, he opened his fist to reveal nothing less than a large white iridescent pearl!

Seeing this, and with our first trophy in the bag, I and the others immediately dropped to our knees for a fingertip search of the area to see what else we could find. Then after a few moments B found another pearl, and C and E picked up what appeared to be two small silver earrings! With such excitement we soon lost all sense of time, continuing the hunt till in the end we had added three more pearls and a ruby ring to our collection. But since by now we were feeling the cold, we finally came to the decision to call it a day. Accordingly, we began the slow and painful journey back through the dark tunnel towards the light, proceeding in single file with me bringing up the rear. However it was during this long walk that, quite unexpectedly, something on my left caught my eye. Pausing to investigate, I reached out my hand and closed it over a round, flat object of yellowish hue… only to find myself staring open-mouthed at what I saw there:

A gold coin!

I could hardly believe it, I’d done it again and spotted what all before me had missed – a genuine piece of gold! With that I kept quiet, pocketed my prize and carried on. As a result, when we eventually emerged into daylight I had discreetly squirrelled away not just two more similar coins, but also a diamond ring, a gold cuff link, a pink pearl, and a silver cross on a chain. I was over the moon with my success! However my joy quickly subsided after I raised my eyes to see fierce ocean waves rolling and crashing their way towards the very cave entrance that was our only way out. Was this it…?

Was this the day I was going to die?

With my heart thumping wildly in my chest I shouted to the others, ‘All right, it’s every man for himself, jump in and swim back to the shore!’ So saying I plunged into the water and began beating a path through the breakers, trying desperately to keep afloat so I could paddle my way to safety on the beach. But the current was too strong for me. Before I knew it I was being dragged further and further out to sea and repeatedly dashed against the rocks – then as my strength failed I realised with shock that I was about to go under for the last time… and in that instant it all went black.

As to how long I remained unconscious, I don’t know, but suffice to say that when I came round I was astonished to see that I was gliding through the air with the ocean far below me. Then twisting my head sideways, I got my first glimpse of the dark feathered wings of the one who had saved me and was bearing me inexorably onwards to my fate. Sure enough, I found myself dangling from the beak of none other than an officer of the Cormorant Division of the French border guards! This was bad news indeed, for beneath me the Pirates’ Cove had long since disappeared from view, and as I would soon discover, I was now on the fast track into police custody!

Thus it was that half an hour later I was dropped off at a location known as the Central Directorate of the Judicial Police, the significance of which name was about to become abundantly clear. For as it turned out it was no accident that I and the Rumpus rats had been brought here for interrogation. This was the place where national crimes were investigated, and once French police had unmasked the gang’s true identity, we were all under suspicion of entering the country with intent to commit a robbery. In vain did I protest that I wasn’t a gang member, offering as evidence my conspicuous white colour and lack of a Rumpus uniform. From the moment they emptied my pockets to reveal my cache of jewellery, I was in deep trouble!

‘So, Monsieur Grompkeen, exactly ’ow do you explain all ze bijoux what we ’ave found on your personne?’ demanded the officer, a sharp-faced stoat whose black eyes pierced down into mine from the top of a long, thick neck. So saying, he spread the whole lot out on the table before me.

‘Ah, yes, those… well, I found them in the Pirates’ Cove, you see,’ I explained simply. ‘They were just lying around on the floor, so since they obviously didn’t belong to anyone, I decided to keep them.’

‘You decided to keep zem? And precisely ’ow did you know zat zay deed not belong to anyone?’

‘Er – well, um, strictly speaking, I suppose I didn’t…’ I was forced to confess. ‘But in my own defence, Officer, it did seem rather unlikely that someone would take off their jewellery and just leave it behind in the cave to come back for later.’

‘I see, so even zo you zought eet was een fact possible zat someone might ’ave left ze bijoux and intended to come back for zem later, you decided to remove zem before zay returned?’ The stoat was scribbling furiously on his notepad.

‘Ah, no, you’re over interpreting what I said,’ I objected. ‘What I meant was, since nobody in their right mind would leave their valuables behind in a cave, to me that was a clear indication that nobody owned them, so I was entitled to take them as my own.’

‘No, no, I’m sorry, I cannot agree. After all, ze bijoux did not put zemselves in ze cave, deed zay? Au contraire, a personne deed, and who can say zat zees personne was not ze rightful owner?’ He glanced up from his writing to give me a pointed look. ‘But you should know, zees ees not ze only charge against you, Monsieur Grompkeen. Unfortunately for you, you ’ave many problems.’

‘I do?’ With this news I broke out in a sweat.

‘Of course! In ze first place, you should know zat all what you ’ave taken ees actually trayzor. And in France we ’ave an ’eritage code which says zat trayzor may ’ave special value, and zerefore by law you must declare eet to zee authorities. So because you ’ave not done zees, you must be punished.’

‘Punished…?’ I murmured. ‘B-but I had no idea I was breaking the law, surely you could let me off just this once?’

‘Zat ees not for me to decide, monsieur. Ze Court weel make a ruling concerning all ze charges against you.’

‘What, you mean there are even more charges against me?’ I was stunned.

‘Mais oui, bien sur! At least feefteen so far,’ the stoat replied coolly.

‘Fifteen!’ I gasped. ‘But how is that possible? I’ve only been in your country for a few hours!’

‘Well, in zat case you should be very ’appy zat we caught you so soon, Monsieur Grompkeen. Imagine ’ow many charges would be against you now if you ’ad been in France for a few days!’

Then before I could utter another word, I was slapped in handcuffs and carted off to a small, dimly lit cell to await my upcoming trial. And unaccustomed as I was to the gloom, it took a second or two for my eyes to discern the five black rats that, with fists raised high and teeth bared, were now closing in around me. But to the astonishment of all, just as as they were about to strike, my body shot vertically into the air, slipped between the bars on the window and then floated up to a small silver spacecraft that was hovering silently over the building.

Sad to say, there seems to be a fair bit of missing time in my recollection of these events, so I’m afraid that what happened after this is a total blank. I do however recall waking up the next morning back in my own bed in Grumblemore. I had the mother of all headaches, and a strange, insatiable thirst for a rather rare beverage that you’ve probably never heard of. But don’t be put off, fans, I can assure you that it definitely ranks among the ten most delicious drinks in the whole world:

Mmm… chocolate flavoured caterpillar juice!

Are you sure I can’t offer you some?