Well as you can imagine, everyone, following yet another leg surgery I was much the worse for wear and feeling horribly low in spirits. Despite this, however, nothing cheered me up more than the daily physiotherapy sessions I enjoyed with Aurora Australis, with whom I shared a deepening friendship and a number of common interests. Who would have thought, for example, that like me this lovely Australian therapist had not only previously served in the army, but also developed a real passion for seeking gold? I mean, honestly now, was it not fate that brought us together? The more I reflected on it, the more I couldn’t wait for the time when I would finally be well enough to return home to Grumblemore, so that I could introduce her to my army friends and we could go dredging for gold in the nearby stream! But for some unknown reason I just seemed to keep suffering one health setback after another. Every time the doctors were about to discharge me a new issue would arise, so that as long as two months after being admitted I was still no closer to leaving hospital. And I can tell you fans, that totally sucked! 

Meanwhile the notorious Nurse Glob was still a thorn in my side, and indeed I strongly suspected her of being the mystery lover seen in Gypsy Georgette’s vision. As you will recall, this crystal ball gazer had once paid me a visit in which she predicted that someone on my medical team would fall in love with me and try to prolong my stay here for her own selfish ends, even going so far as to cause me injury to achieve this goal. Well, surely no one could have done more to injure me than Nurse Glob! To date she’d had me suspended by my broken legs to cure a mistaken case of choking, thrown a scalding cup of tea into my lap, and set in motion an accident that wrenched all the surgical pins out of my newly repaired leg-bone! Moreover, there could be no doubt about her feelings for me, since she had made these abundantly plain on many occasions. So now the only question was, what on earth was I going to do about it? I was still contemplating this thorny problem when, quite unexpectedly, a solution arose from a rather unusual source… and I’d be lying to you if I said that merely imagining such a mischievous prank did not spark in me a truly devilish delight! 

It all began on the day when I discovered there was a weird little thing called a placebo, which, as it turns out, is a drug with no active properties at all. Now exactly why a hospital should prescribe such a useless remedy still escapes me, but the instant it came to my attention, a light came on in my brain. You see, it’s a known fact that when we take a medication, its effectiveness isn’t just down to the quality of the product itself. A major part of its success is our belief that it will heal us. Faith is key! If we think a pill is going to take our pain away, it probably will. But the converse is also true. It appears that our minds can also play tricks on us, inducing physical symptoms that make us think we are ill when we aren’t — and once I knew that, I had a flash of sheer genius:

What if Nurse Glob could be conned into believing she was allergic to me? 

Inspired by this unlikeliest of ideas I straightaway set about devising a plan, which in the event proved a lot harder than anticipated. 

For my first attempt I used pepper, which I sprinkled liberally over my head and shoulders in hopes that when the nurse approached me she would have a sneezing fit and mistake it for an allergic reaction. But that quickly backfired when I inhaled the stuff myself, went into paroxysms of coughing, and had to be rushed off to the bathroom for an emergency shower. 

For my next attempt I acquired a kitchen knife and a raw onion, my intention being to rub myself with the chopped vegetable in order to make her eyes water if she got too close. But while secretly trying to slice the onion under the bedclothes I also cut my finger. I then required smelling salts due to the sight of my own blood, a general anaesthetic due to my aversion to needles, and a large and very ugly stitch to the resulting wound. However, I’m pleased to report that after twenty two more failed attempts to achieve my goal, the ruse which I finally came up with impressed even me.

Of course as I realised from the get-go, this was never going to be a straightforward affair. For starters, just getting hold of the right ingredients was quite a headache. After all, it was hardly the simplest of things for a person with three limbs in plaster to pilfer hospital items without being noticed (especially when one of these was a hefty container of cleaning fluid), so it was a couple of days before I had at last accumulated everything I needed. Then once I’d got all the necessary bits and pieces, I immediately set to work to create my masterpiece: the world’s most powerful hand gel! You see, in accordance with today’s health and safety regulations there must be a container of hand cleanser at the foot of each bed, and all staff are expected to make thorough use of this before approaching the patient. My idea was simply to replace those contents with a noxious blend of chemicals that would give Nurse Glob some unpleasant stinging and a nasty rash whenever she smeared it on her hands, thus causing her to stay away from me. To my mind it was totally foolproof and nothing short of brilliant!

Exactly what was in this concoction? Well, obviously I can’t reveal any trade secrets here, but suffice to say that I successfully disguised the strong odours of ammonia and other substances with the scent of crushed lavender flowers, to make what in the end (at least in my opinion) resulted in a truly fragrant product. And to my great surprise, I soon discovered that I wasn’t the only one who thought so…

‘I say, Lord Grumpkin, this gel is absolutely wonderful, I just can’t get enough of it!’ pronounced the beaming Nurse Glob, as she smoothed a dollop of the goo between her fingers and breathed in the wild, intoxicating fumes. 

‘Is that so? Sorry, I wouldn’t know, they all seem the same to me,’ I lied.

‘Oh no, this one is definitely in a class of its own, it reminds me of an exotic perfume I once bought in Paris,’ said she, thrusting her hand under my nose. ‘Here, see for yourself.’

The next second, a sharp burst of lavender shot up my nostrils and brought tears to my eyes. ‘Ah yes, very nice,’ I said, as I yielded to a pleasant fuzzy feeling in my head. 

‘It’s almost like incense, the aroma makes you warm all over,’ went on the nurse.

‘Yes, it does rather… and happy, too,’ I agreed, as a balminess spread through my body like mulled wine at Christmas.

‘You know I’ve never told you this, Lord Grumpkin, but you have the most beautiful ears,’ she told me in a whisper, her face drawing nearer to mine.

‘I do? Well, now you come to mention it, Nurse Glob, I’ve always thought that you have a really sweet smile,’ I replied, lifting my face towards hers. 

‘Oh, Lord Grumpkin, you say such romantic things,’ she murmured. Then as our heads continued to converge, she puckered her mouth in anticipation of my next move. 

Romantic things…?

WHAT??!!! 

This was the ugliest nurse on the ward, what was I thinking? Desperately seeking a way out, my brain went into overdrive. And then it came to me: 

‘Oh no, I think I’m going to be sick!’ I cried, abruptly pulling back from her.

‘What? Oh, dear — quick, take this,’ she responded, as she shoved a kidney shaped bowl under my chin.

At that, I grunted and grimaced convincingly for a while, then when I felt a suitable moment had passed: ‘Well, I don’t know what happened just then, but I feel fine now,’ I told her.

‘So glad to hear it, Lord Grumpkin, for a minute there you had me worried,’ she said. ‘Look, why don’t I go to the kitchen and make you a nice hot cup of tea to settle your stomach? And while I’m there I can make one for myself too, if you like. Then we can sit together for a while… just till we’re sure you’re fully recovered, that is.’

‘Oh yes, that would be great, if you’re not too busy, of course.’

‘Never too busy for you, Lord Grumpkin.’ And again came that little flutter of her eyelids that I always found so charming.

‘Right, well, thanks a lot,’ I said, noticing for the first time all the pretty golden colours glinting in her grey fur.

‘You’re welcome,’ she said, smiling broadly. And then she left the room.

I mean REALLY, what in heaven’s name was wrong with me? How could someone that I’d so despised suddenly become so irresistible? None of it made any sense, which fact hit me harder still when shortly afterwards I realised that my feelings for Aurora had changed too, and not in a good way – as I found out when a coarse, familiar voice sawed through my peace and quiet like a screechy violin:

‘Good day, mate, ready for your daily workout? All right, Grumps, today we’re going to focus on getting your heart rate up with some nice strong arm and leg exercises. You’ll need to get out of bed for this one, so here, let me give you a hand.’ Then after I had grudgingly done as I was told, ‘Right, then, let’s get you started with fifty jumping jacks. Now I want you to do exactly what I do, and keep in time with me, okay?’ With this she took a deep breath and gave me the nod. ‘And — ONE, and TWO, and THREE, and FOUR, and — all right, what’s going on, Grumps? You’re half asleep, for goodness’ sake! Come on, wakey wakey, let’s lose that attitude and pick up the pace!’

It was unbelievable that I hadn’t seen it till now, but this brash young Aussie was actually very rude. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more she stood out by a country mile as being by far the most unpleasant person I’d ever had the misfortune to meet! As to how I could possibly have persuaded myself that I liked her, well, that was a total mystery. All I wanted now was to see the back of her for good, but for reasons which entirely passed me by, it appeared that fate had other ideas… or at least, that’s what I reckoned at first.

And so it was, that as I bounced obediently up and down to the rhythm of Aurora’s jumping jacks, I accidentally cracked my leg plasters together, causing them to split open and fall off. As a result I was in instant agony and collapsed in a heap on the floor, clasping my lower limbs and writhing with pain. But in spite of this, if I expected any sympathy from my therapist I was clearly going to be disappointed.

‘All right Grumps, no need to worry, you’re absolutely fine! Well, now that you’re lying down, why don’t we use that new position as an opportunity to strengthen your arms? Right-oh then, when I say go, just slip your hands underneath you, push down as hard as you can on the floor, and sit up. Are you ready? Okay — go!’ Then after I had nearly burst a blood vessel with the effort of raising myself up, ‘Well done, Grumps, excellent work! Right, now give me four more push-ups like that and we’ll call it a day.’

Needless to say, after yet another visit to the plaster room where I received two new leg casts, I was totally exhausted and only just managed to finish my supper before falling into a dead sleep. However, soon after I shut my eyes I was jolted awake with a start.

‘Hey, Aurora, what are you doing here? I thought your shift ended hours ago,’ I exclaimed in surprise, as a darkly beautiful female face emerged out of the shadows above me.

‘It did,’ she answered, ‘but after your little misadventure earlier I just wanted to make sure you were all right before I went home. So how are you feeling?’

‘Well, now that you ask, not great, I’m afraid,’ I said, inhaling her perfumed hands as she moved to smooth my bedclothes.

‘You poor thing, you’ve been through such a bad time, you must be absolutely miserable to be stuck in hospital like this,’ came the response. Then she bent lower to murmur in my ear, ‘So tell me, what can I do to make your stay here more comfortable?’ 

‘Oh… I’m not sure, Aurora, but I appreciate the kind offer,’ I mumbled as I drank in her aroma.

‘Well, everyone who knows me says that I’m a very kind person,’ she stated in return, her warm breath tickling my whiskers.

’Really? Yes, of course you are, I could see that from the moment I met you,’ I mumbled hazily. For what seemed like an infinity, as if in a trance we gazed deep into each other’s eyes. Then somehow our mouths joined together, and before we knew it we were lost in a kiss… and so our rapture continued till a sudden crash broke the spell.

‘Oh dear, I’m so sorry! I must have had the plates badly stacked, they started to slip sideways and then they just fell off the tray,’ apologised the flustered Nurse Glob as she stooped to gather up the broken pieces. 

‘That’s okay, Nurse, you carry on, I was about to leave anyway,’ said Aurora cheerily.

‘Oh no, please don’t leave on my account! I’ll have this cleared up in no time and then I’ll be out of your way,’ the nurse replied.

‘No, honestly, the last bus leaves in five minutes and I’ll have to get a wriggle on if I want to catch it. Well, good night, Grumps,’ said the Aussie, ‘see you tomorrow.’ And after pausing for a brief parting kiss, she turned on her heels and was gone.

‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Lord Grumpkin, I can be such a klutz sometimes! I didn’t mean to interrupt your tête-à-tête,’ the Glob went on, plainly still embarrassed.

‘Not to worry, after all you didn’t do it on purpose, did you?’ I said sympathetically.

‘It’s just that, well, I didn’t know that you and Aurora were seeing each other, you see, so it caught me unawares, and then I dropped the plates.’ She was blinking a lot now, and I wasn’t sure why.

‘That’s all right, Nurse, anyone can make a mistake,’ I told her, trying to put her at ease. But for some reason this didn’t help.

‘Oh, Lord Grumpkin, you’re so nice to me!’ she observed in a shaky voice. Then without a word of explanation, she promptly burst into tears and fled out of the ward, howling all the way. And that was the last I saw of her for three whole days…

But it wasn’t the end of the story.