Yes, fans, of course I’m only too aware that there’s no such thing as elves. That’s why when I saw some with my own eyes just the other night, I knew I had to be dreaming. It was an odd kind of dream really, the kind that while you’re asleep actually seems to be real. But the dream’s convincing imitation of life turned out to be the least of its powers. As I was soon to find out, it could also mimic something much more sinister – namely, the dark art of magic!

It all started as I was walking home from the store, laden down with groceries and grumbling to myself about the steep hill leading up to my house. However, I hadn’t got very far along the path before, to my great surprise, a stranger’s voice spoke clearly into my left ear.

‘Dear me, such a heavy load! Such a long way home, too,’ I heard it say. But before I had time to see who had spoken, a second voice echoed in my right ear.

‘Poor creature, what a tiddly shame!’

At this I stopped dead, dropping my bags to the ground. For glancing to my right and left, who should meet my stare but two identical elves, no taller than a rat! They were a portly pair, dressed in green jackets with yellow tights and scarlet shoes that curled upwards at the toes. They had pointy ears and wore red pointy hats too, with bells on that jingled noisily with every shake of their heads. Their human faces were smooth, round and cheery, and as my eyes shot nervously from one to the other, they peered quizzically back at me with concern and pity… the way you might gaze upon a caterpillar that was about to become a spider’s lunch.

‘Who are you?’ I asked them at length, my face scrunching into a puzzled frown.

‘Who are you?’ The one on my left repeated my words in shocked tones. ‘Did you hear that, bro? The rat creature can talk. It just asked me a question!’

‘I say, bro – a talking rat! That’s tiddly brilliant! I wonder what else it can do?’ his brother said eagerly.

‘I know, let’s see if it can obey commands,’ the first one replied.

‘Excellent, bro, what shall we tell it to do?’

‘Well, we could make it sit down, I suppose. That’s how they train dogs, you know,’ came the answer.

‘Tiddly good idea, bro!’ said the one on my right. ‘Do you want to do it, or shall I?’

‘I BEG your pardon!’ I interrupted them with a snort. ‘How dare you talk about me as if I were some stupid little canine? I’ll have you know that I am none other than Lord Grumpkin of Grumblemore, who, for your information, is one thousand three hundred and thirteenth in line to the Throne of Rattyland! I am also a well known gourmet cook who has just been nominated for this year’s Royal Rodent MasterChef award, as well as Genus Rattus World Super Brain of 2017, and Nat Rat Angler of the Year – and if that’s not enough for you, I’m an outstanding ballroom dancer, too! So if you don’t mind, kindly show me some respect!’

The two elves exchanged awed glances.

‘Fancy that!’ said the left one. ‘Who knew that rats could be ballroom dancers?’

‘Tiddly marvellous, I’d say!’ said the other. ‘Let’s see if it will give us a demonstration.’ And with sweeping movements of his hand, he began pulling musical notes out of the air until the place was filled with the big band sound of a rousing tango. Then before I knew it, and despite my best intentions to remain unmoved, I found myself twirling and whirling and hurling my body about in time to the relentless rhythm of the dance, till at the end of it all I fell down in a heap, panting fit to burst.

At this the elf on the right broke into peals of hilarity, his belly shaking with laughter. ‘Well, I give that a five point five for effort, and a four for artistic merit! What about you, bro?’

‘Okay, I’ve seen better, it’s true, bro. But maybe the tango isn’t his dance. Let’s try him with something a bit less energetic, like a tiddly waltz, for example.’

‘A waltz? Oh, no, one tango was enough for me, I’m bushed,’ I protested. But in vain. Next thing I knew, strains of a waltz came out of the air, and once more my legs took on life of their own. And so it was, that after what seemed like an endless frenzy of jumping and bumping around to the music, I finally sank to the ground for the second time.

There were guffaws of merriment from both sides of me, and then came the judgment.

‘Right, then, what would you give that, bro? A four for effort, and the same for artistic merit?’ suggested the elf on my left.

‘Yes, but definitely a ten for entertainment value!’ said his brother. ‘We mustn’t be too hard on him, after all. He is only a rat, you know.’

‘Now just a tiddly minute!’ I exploded. ‘No one has the right to score my dancing skills except the judges on Rattily Come Dancing. So who exactly are you?’

‘We’re Tiddly Dumb and Tiddly Dumber, of course,’ they said in unison.

‘Oh, I see, so you’re Tiddly Dumb, then,’ I turned to the elf on my left.

‘No, he’s Tiddly Dumb,’ he corrected me, pointing to my right.

‘Okay, so you’re Tiddly Dumber,’ I said to the same.

‘Oh, no, I’m Tiddly Dumber,’ announced the elf on my right.

‘But he’s just told me you’re Tiddly Dumb,’ I objected.

‘No, Tiddly Rat, you’re not paying attention. Now don’t blink, and watch us both more carefully next time,’ he said. Then for the merest millisecond the two elves blurred into a white fuzz before crystallising anew.

I stared hard at the elf on my right. ‘You’re Tiddly Dumb…?’ I ventured dubiously.

‘Course I am,’ he said. ‘Cool trick, wasn’t it! Me and bro switched places like a flash of lightning.’

‘You switched places?’

‘Well, obviously! How else could this have been me?’

I breathed deeply with my eyes shut for a moment. Then, ‘I think I’d like to go home now,’ I said eventually.

‘What, all the way home? Such a long journey with such a heavy load…’ sympathised the elf on my left, shaking his head gravely.

‘Oh yes, such a long, long journey. What a tiddly shame there’s no one else to help you,’ agreed his brother in solemn tones.

‘Well, thanks for the chat. I’ll say goodbye, then,’ said I, bending down to pick up my bags.

‘Of course, there’s clearly no one ELSE to help you,’ the first one continued pointedly. ‘But then you could always ask us.’

‘You mean, you would help me with my shopping?’ My face lit up at the thought.

‘We might be persuaded to consider it… for a price, that is,’ came the response.

‘A price? What price?’ I was instantly suspicious.

‘Ah now, there’s nothing to fear, we’ve no use for money,’ he told me.

‘Oh, no, certainly not! We tiddly elves haven’t used money for a thousand years,’ confirmed his brother on the right.

‘No, what we had in mind was something entirely different,’ the one on the left went on.

‘Quite so… call it a fun button, if you like,’ his brother said. ‘You do like fun, don’t you?’

‘A fun button? Never heard of such a thing!’ I exclaimed. By now I was hot and bothered and rather short on patience.

‘Oh well, Tiddly Rat, there’s really nothing to it,’ the first one assured me. ‘In return for our help, all you’ll have to do is to stand still while we whisper a secret word into your ear. Then from that time on, whenever we whisper that secret word again, you’ll be so happy that you’ll simply dance for joy!’

‘And that’s the fun button?’ I pondered doubtfully. In all fairness, it didn’t sound much like fun to me. But then again, I was pretty tired, so perhaps I’d missed the point.

‘Well, what do you say, Tiddly Rat? Is it a deal?’

There was an extended pause while I gathered my thoughts. Then finally –

‘Uh, well… Oh, all right, then!’

‘Tiddly marvellous!’ the first one declared. ‘Now let’s get those bags.’

What happened next is quite beyond explanation. All I know is, I blinked my eyes, and then my own front door just appeared before me as if by magic. And as I gazed round in amazement, there I was outside Grumblemore, all alone with the grocery bags at my feet, and not an elf in sight…

Well, as you can imagine, fans, since that night I have often thought about this strange and mysterious dream, and as to what to make of it, I have no idea. But one weird thing still puzzles me. From that time to this, whenever I go to my local store I always seem to end up very out of breath with a lot of other customers gathered round to look at me.

I mean, really! What could possibly be so interesting about my shopping?