Well, fans, I’m sure you’ll know exactly which colour I’m talking about when I say that I call it ‘screaming yellow’! It’s that luminous lemon, or banshee banana colour that shouts at your eyes, takes them prisoner, and won’t let them go till it’s out of sight! But honestly, now – am I the only person round here who can see that yellow is a really dangerous colour?

It seems that some of you think I’m joking…

Well, consider this: In the last few months a new phenomenon has taken to our roads. Yes, you’ve guessed it! Yellow is this year’s surprise car colour, meaning that banana coloured cars everywhere are now clamouring for our attention and causing deadly distractions on the road.

A few weeks ago I was about to cross the street when a yellow Mini appeared out of nowhere. As my eyes locked onto this dazzling sight, its brightness hypnotised my senses, so that as if in a dream, my legs continued carrying me right into its path! Then just when I was seconds from disaster, the driver coming the other way had his gaze caught by the same yellow Mini. With his eyes off the road ahead, his car was soon veering towards this seductive vision. At this, the startled Mini-car driver braked sharply to avoid a collision – only to stop within one inch of my nose!

Phew, thank God for that!

Now do you see what I mean? These days, screaming yellow is all over the place – on hi-viz jackets, on traffic signs, and even on wasp stripes! Well, I mean, really, can’t we tone it down a bit? We could have lovely soft colours like powder blue hi-viz jackets, or pink traffic signs, or silver wasp stripes – more tasteful alternatives by far, and certainly easier on the eye!

There’s one more yellow thing that needs changing, too: That great glaring orb that shines down on people all over the world, giving them cataracts and skin cancer, of course! Well, I suggest that we render it harmless by switching its colour from yellow to a soothing shade of pastel green, which will also blend it in very nicely with our grass and trees. And to make this happen, all we need do is submit a written summary of my proposal to the Creator of the universe.

Well, I’ve summarised my suggestion now… Does anyone have his address?…