As you know, dear fans, I am of course a multi-award-winning angler, so imagine my delight when an American friend of mine invited me to go on a fishing trip to Brighton Pier. I mean, here was my first ever chance to get a taste of sea fishing, as different from lake and river fishing as coffee is from tea! So I naturally grabbed the opportunity with both hands, and in a flash I had my backpack stuffed full of tasty goodies ready for the day’s adventure.

Well, at last the train pulled into the station, and it seemed like no time at all before the two of us were strolling down Brighton Pier with our bags swinging from our shoulders, whistling a jaunty little sailors’ song and sporting two brand new state-of-the-art fishing rods. My friend Mr Trumpkin (a white rat with a name uncannily similar to mine) is big in the business world, but has also recently become a politician. And as we cast our lines and set down our rods, he had me spellbound by the wisdom of his words…

‘Let me tell you, being rich is very over-rated,’ he declared with authority. ‘I have made so much money, you wouldn’t believe it. I have lost that money and made it back again more times than you’ve had hot showers. And now I have my own private planes and yachts, hotels and businesses, and even my very own space rocket. But does all that make me happy? No, it does not.’
I was shocked. ‘Well, what does make you happy, then?’ I asked.
‘What makes me happy is being a great guy,’ he answered. ‘I’m so great, even when I fail I’m a winner. And you should be happy too, Grumpkin.’
‘I should?’
‘Well, sure you should. See, I’ve just caught a prize-winning sea bass,’ he said, reeling in his catch, ‘but clearly your fish is much, much smaller.’
I couldn’t believe it. As I reeled it in, I could see a really tiny sardine wriggling on the end of my line. ‘You think this should make me happy?’ I snorted in disgust, as I removed the hook from its mouth and threw it back into the water.
‘No, Grumpkin, the fish won’t make you happy. What will make you happy is learning to be happy to lose.’

What – happy to lose? The cheek of it! I mean, really, doesn’t he know who I am? He’s talking to the four-time winner of the Nat Rat Angling Trophy – that’s who! Well, it seems I’ve greatly overestimated Mr Trumpkin. After all, what is he, at the end of the day? He’s an empty-headed show-off, a smug, self-centred twit who talks a lot of absolute twaddle!

And mark my words, a bag of hot air like him will never go far in politics!

Money.  We all need it.  We all use it.  But does anyone really know what it is?

No, fans, it’s not the coins and bank notes in your pocket, nor is it the figures that appear on your bank statement. In fact I challenge you to show me anything you like – I guarantee that none of it is actual, bona fide money! That’s because money isn’t a real thing at all, is it? It’s just an idea in our heads, something we use to help us trade the things we have for the things we want. And far too many people don’t have enough of it to make ends meet.

I mean, really! If money is just an idea in our heads, then surely we shouldn’t be dependent on the kind which is minted and printed by banks! We should create our own money tokens using whatever items we please… things like pebbles and shells from the seaside, for example, or nuts and berries from trees. If we could just learn to trade things more creatively, wouldn’t everyone have enough, and to spare? Yes, fans, make no mistake – money really would grow on trees if we wanted it to!

Well, speaking for myself, I am planning to use personal autographs as my money tokens. For each signature I shall expect to receive in return one week’s worth of groceries, payable in advance… or, should I make that two? Tell you what, why don’t you form an orderly queue outside, and I’ll make my final decision after I’ve had a nice strong cup of camomile tea…

Then again, if you simply can’t contain your impatience, then fifty pounds in cash will be absolutely fine!

Yes, fans, you’ve spotted it, something’s got me hot under the collar again – and this time I’m absolutely fuming! Why? Well, see what you think of this…

The other day I was at a party, and as usual, I was surrounded by many admirers who had gathered round to hear me speak. This being so, I decided that here was an excellent opportunity to introduce the subject of a serious problem which I referred to as “light pollution” – meaning, of course, CELESTIAL light pollution. But what would you think? Before I got past the first sentence, everyone jumped right in and started talking about street lights. Yes, STREET lights, those lamp posts with bulbs in them that go on and off according to – guess what? – human control!

Honestly now, how stupid is that? They turn on the light to see by, then they call that light “pollution”! I mean, really! If they don’t want to see where they’re going, then all they have to do is flip a switch, and – bingo, instant darkness! Well, it’s not rocket science, is it? But the truth is, the problem of REAL light pollution could indeed be solved by rocket science, and that’s because the source of that problem is a lot higher up than our inconvenient street lights… all of which leads me to the question:

What are you humans actually doing about moonlight pollution?

Well, I mean, it’s ridiculous isn’t it! Someone should have got a handle on this by now. I’m sick and tired of being kept awake at night by the light of that huge great lunar orb that takes forever to pass across the sky! The strain on me is really starting to take its toll. Just think about it, fans – you complain because a single street light shines through your curtains. But the moon is more brilliant than a hundred street lights, and yet you people do nothing about it. I quite understand that you can’t turn it off, but couldn’t you at least fit it with a dimmer switch? Please don’t say it’s too much of a hassle. Dimmer switches don’t cost much, and NASA has sent plenty of rockets to the moon, so how hard can it be to send an electrician up there to fix it?

What’s that, did you say something? …No, I’m not getting it, I’m afraid. It’s no good, fans, you’re going to have to speak more clearly. All I can hear is a sort of soft, rhythmic snoring sound.

Come on, now – wake up, wake up, rise and shine! We have a lot of work to do if we’re going to make this world a better place. This is no time to rest, we need to get up and get busy. After all, we have a mission of our own to accomplish: We must petition NASA to dim the moon, so we can all finally get some sleep!

…uh, HELLO?

I’m sorry, fans, you’ve caught me at a very bad time – I’m absolutely LIVID! Why, you ask? Well, I’ve just got back from the store and I’m soaked to the skin, that’s why! And that’s because it’s bucketing down out there, isn’t it, and it seems that no one in this whole great, wonderful country of ours can be bothered to do a single thing to stop it!

HUH! It’s a thundering disgrace, that’s what I say! Wouldn’t you think that Her Majesty’s Government could make itself useful for once, and with all the technology at its disposal today, at the very least take control of the weather? Well, I think it’s time I put my views to the person at the top, don’t you? And so here below is a copy of my latest letter:

Dear Prime Minister,

You don’t know me, but I am currently a very wet and awfully grumpy white rat. It’s been raining now for over a week, and so I’m writing to ask you why you are not using your prime ministerial remote control to turn the water off? I mean, honestly! I suppose you’re going to tell me you’ve lost it down the side of the sofa again!

And talking of sofas, that brings me to another thing. Yes, I know it’s a bit of a leap, but I’d like to address the subject of those narrow, tilting seats we get in bus shelters these days. I’m sure the public would agree with me that unlike sofas, these really are MOST uncomfortable. Well, I mean, Prime Minister – have you ever actually sat on one? Looking at your immaculate chauffeur-driven Jaguar, I’m guessing not… Well, let me tell you, a decent seat is a really essential commodity when you’re waiting there for ages because your bus is late (as usual)! And of course it’s absolutely indispensable if you need a place to shelter from the pouring rain. All of which brings me back to where I started….

You see, I have an idea which would make sheltering from the rain a thing of the past for all bus users everywhere. Why not make a law that says that it’s only allowed to rain between the hours of 2 and 5 in the morning? Surely that makes sense, since most people are fast asleep in bed at that time – meaning, of course, they would not only stay nice and dry at night, but also all day long, as well. Just think of it, with this new legislation, no one in Britain need ever get soaked again! Well, how about it, Prime Minister? Come on, now, we’re all looking to you as the leader of our country to give the order and make it happen! But wait, I think I hear something…

What’s that you say – you believe that God alone is in charge of the weather?

I mean, REALLY, what kind of excuse is that? I suppose that next you’re going to tell me God is in charge of bus timetables, too!

Yours fumingly,

Lord Grumpkin of Grumblemore

Have you noticed? Yes, it’s just another really annoying fact of modern life: You can’t simply go out and buy a shoe. That’s because shops always sell shoes two at a time, don’t they!

So, what if you just wanted one shoe to replace a damaged one? …or if you thought it would be a good idea to purchase a spare shoe for emergencies? …or if you only had one leg? Well, good luck with that, fans! I think you’ll find that shoes are now classed as pairs, which means that no one can buy a solitary shoe for any purpose whatever.

I mean, really! Is this the twenty first century or not? Who says that people must wear matching shoes! We ought to be able to dress each foot in any shoe we want, and not be dictated to by manufacturers who only sell them in pairs to double their profits!

Huh! On that basis, I suppose it’s a jolly good thing that our bodies don’t have two of everything, isn’t it! Imagine having to buy pairs of hats for two heads, or pairs of shirts for two backs! Would we go along with it then? I think NOT! So my question is – when are we finally going to stop being taken for a ride, and do something about it?

‘Oh, there’s nothing we can do, it’s just the way things are,’ I hear you say. Well, stuff and nonsense, I say! There’s always something we can do, and here’s my suggestion for us all: We should each write to our favourite human celebrities and ask them to support our cause. Let’s get them to start a new trend by wearing odd shoes to all their public events!

Think it’s impossible? Think again! I have it on very good authority that a certain seasonal visitor has forgotten to order himself a new pair of boots for his December delivery service. It seems he’s been obliged to replace his old ones with a couple of mis-matched Christmas stockings instead…

Can you hear those jingling bells yet?

Cameras at the ready, everyone!

Where did all the REALLY clever people go? There’s only me left.

Well, I ask you – just take a long, hard look around you! Do you see a smart person anywhere? Don’t be fooled, now. Plenty of people are smart some of the time, to be sure, but what I’m talking about is people who are clever ALL of the time! For example, there are those who are great at languages but no good at maths, or those who excel in physics but are hopeless at art. We all know at least one person like that, don’t we. But how many of us know anyone (other than me, of course) who is actually good at everything?

As might be expected, being the only really clever person around, I do tend to get rather irritated by the stupidity of ordinary, everyday mortals. Just last week my good friend Bumble the Badger – who I have to say has unusually limited brain power – got me especially annoyed. As we were going to the cinema, he had made a pie which was supposed to bake in the oven while we were out. He duly set the timer to start two hours after we left so that it would finish cooking just as we returned, and then out we went. Well, when we came back we were absolutely famished, weren’t we, so Bumble went into the kitchen to get the pie – only to find, guess what? In his haste to leave the house on time, he’d forgotten to put the wretched thing in the oven! But his catalogue of errors didn’t stop there, oh, no…

After hurriedly placing the pie where it belonged, he then joined me by the fire to wait for it to cook. In the interim we amused ourselves by playing ‘I spy’, all the while trying to ignore the hunger pangs which were stabbing our stomachs like knives. Finally the hour was up, and this not a moment too soon! So Bumble went into the kitchen to get the pie, only to astonish me by reappearing straight away – empty handed and thoroughly mortified! What could possibly have gone wrong now?

Well, what would you think? The brainless twit had forgotten to reset the clock, hadn’t he! So ten minutes after placing the pie in the oven, the timer had switched off the heat.. meaning it was now going to take a further fifty minutes to cook our meal!

I mean, honestly – did you ever hear anything so stupid in your life?

And so dear fans, I am turning to you today to ask you a big favour. If in the course of your travels you should ever encounter another really, REALLY clever person, could you please put us in touch?

…Or else before long I’m going to go completely out of my mind!

Well, fans, I’m sure you’ll know exactly which colour I’m talking about when I say that I call it ‘screaming yellow’! It’s that luminous lemon, or banshee banana colour that shouts at your eyes, takes them prisoner, and won’t let them go till it’s out of sight! But honestly, now – am I the only person round here who can see that yellow is a really dangerous colour?

It seems that some of you think I’m joking…

Well, consider this: In the last few months a new phenomenon has taken to our roads. Yes, you’ve guessed it! Yellow is this year’s surprise car colour, meaning that banana coloured cars everywhere are now clamouring for our attention and causing deadly distractions on the road.

A few weeks ago I was about to cross the street when a yellow Mini appeared out of nowhere. As my eyes locked onto this dazzling sight, its brightness hypnotised my senses, so that as if in a dream, my legs continued carrying me right into its path! Then just when I was seconds from disaster, the driver coming the other way had his gaze caught by the same yellow Mini. With his eyes off the road ahead, his car was soon veering towards this seductive vision. At this, the startled Mini-car driver braked sharply to avoid a collision – only to stop within one inch of my nose!

Phew, thank God for that!

Now do you see what I mean? These days, screaming yellow is all over the place – on hi-viz jackets, on traffic signs, and even on wasp stripes! Well, I mean, really, can’t we tone it down a bit? We could have lovely soft colours like powder blue hi-viz jackets, or pink traffic signs, or silver wasp stripes – more tasteful alternatives by far, and certainly easier on the eye!

There’s one more yellow thing that needs changing, too: That great glaring orb that shines down on people all over the world, giving them cataracts and skin cancer, of course! Well, I suggest that we render it harmless by switching its colour from yellow to a soothing shade of pastel green, which will also blend it in very nicely with our grass and trees. And to make this happen, all we need do is submit a written summary of my proposal to the Creator of the universe.

Well, I’ve summarised my suggestion now… Does anyone have his address?…

Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it! Sneezing is a really disgusting habit which spreads germs and diseases everywhere. And worse than that, surely no one should have to be startled by the sudden blast of someone else’s sneeze. After all, a sneeze coming out of nowhere could give a person a heart attack! Make no mistake, sneezing is a deadly practice all right, and I for one plan to do something about it. That’s why, one week ago, I made up my mind to do whatever it takes to get new anti-sneeze law drafted and brought into effect as soon as possible.

With this as my goal, the first thing I did was to look for a way to approach the World Health Organisation, thinking that they would be able to draw up international anti-sneeze legislation which could then come into force worldwide. But after searching long and hard online, I really couldn’t see which person in the WHO would deal with my very specific suggestion about nasal explosions. So instead I decided to turn my attention to the British government, only to be confronted with the same perplexing problem: which of the many UK government departments is the one that deals with sneezing?

Can you figure it out? Well, I can’t!

So again it was back to the drawing board, and this time I came up with a new idea: Why not turn to the local council? Well, of course I knew this wouldn’t result in any national legislation, but at least it would keep our local area sneeze-free. However as I looked up the names of Councillors on the Executive Board, once more I came up against the same problem: if there actually is a Councillor in charge of sneezing, then it’s a very well kept secret…

Well, I mean, honestly! Is that a responsible way for the authorities to manage public health? Of course not! But fear not, fans, I’m not giving up the fight yet. My next idea is far and away the most radical and exciting one to date. I’m starting an online petition to the Prime Minister, titled: ‘Freeze that Sneeze – Make Sneezing Illegal!’ I’ve already got three supporters, and I only need nine hundred and ninety seven more to get to my first goal of one thousand signatures…

Which, I think you’ll agree, only goes to show that with some hard work and a lot of grit, even a rat can change the world!

Do you have problems with English spelling? Do you, like me, constantly need to use your spellchecker? Well, here’s a solution to save everyone time and energy:

Let’s make English a phonetic language, and lose the ‘loser letters’!

But what exactly are the ‘loser letters’? These are letters which aren’t actually needed at all. For example, some sounds can easily be made by other letters in the alphabet. Take the letter ‘c’, for instance. This can either sound like ‘k’ as in ‘cat’, or ‘s’ as in ‘central’. So why not do away with ‘c’ and simply spell those words ‘kat’ and ‘sentral’ instead! As for the ‘ch’ sound, we could just put a little hat over the ‘h’ to show how it should be pronounced, to make sure people say ‘chair’ and not ‘hair’, or ‘chip’ and not ‘hip’, and so on.

In the same way, the letter ‘q’ (often written ‘qu’) could be replaced by ‘kw’, with words then spelled as ‘kween’, ‘kwik’ and ‘kwarter’. The letter ‘x’ would become ‘ks’, as in ‘aks’ and ‘eksternal’, whilst the ‘ph’ form would disappear altogether, to be replaced with ‘f’ – giving us ‘telefone’, ‘fantom’, and ‘dolfin’.

Other redundant letters include the silent ones that do nothing, and those annoying double consonants. (I mean, really! Who would miss the extra one?) If we scrapped all of these, we could have new, easy spellings for everyday words like ‘liv’, ‘helo’, ‘buter’, and ‘thru’, not to mention many, many more! Now, tell me honestly – wouldn’t that be great?

There are other ways we could simplify spelling, too. Every time that ‘y’ sounds like the vowel ‘i’, it should be written that way – as in ‘fisiks’, ‘glori’, and ‘simpathi’. But when ‘i’ rhymes with ‘why’ it should be written to look that way, don’t you agree? (Examples: ‘gyant’ and ‘bypolar’.)

And why stop there?

Think of all the different ways we write the sound we hear in the word ‘meet’: ‘ee’, ‘ie’, ‘ei’, ‘ea’! Well, for goodness’ sake, why don’t we just pick one and stick with it? Life would be so simple! We would write ‘eet’, ‘beleev’, ‘seet’, and so on, without even thinking about it – surely a no-brainer!

So I say to all my fans, if you feel the same as I do and you really want to ditch the spellchecker, then join with me here and now, and change the way we write English forever –

Let’s lose the ‘loser letters’, re-invent the written language, and start a spelling revolution!

Hello, fans! Well, here I am again, coming back from the local store with a huge great basketful of groceries, puffing and panting my way home up a never-ending hill. I mean, really! Who in their right mind would think of designing a road home that went UPHILL?

Surely logic tells us that we have the most energy when we first set out on our walk, not when we’re heading back home. If we go up the hill at the start of our journey, while we’re fresh, we’ll still have plenty of energy to cover more ground, meaning we can challenge ourselves with longer walks. Given that our return journey will be back down the same hill, we can go further afield because we know we can get home again with little effort, even when we’re tired. That way we can get more exercise and stay healthy, which the government wants us to do. So wouldn’t it be reasonable to expect councils to take this into account? Shouldn’t they have laws to ensure that all roads home go downhill? Well, fat chance of that! To this day, all across the country they continue building roads home on dizzying upward slopes!

And there really is no excuse in this case. Someone gave planning permission for that store to be built in a valley, knowing full well that wherever they live, its customers would always have to struggle uphill to get their groceries to their front door.

Well, this has really got my goat!

But instead of just complaining, you’ll be pleased to hear that I’ve at last decided to do something about it, and for this purpose I’m going to need your help. I’m asking you to please join me in sending a strong message to the councils concerned. Let’s vote with our feet and show them what we, the public, think of their inconsiderate practices:

From now on, let’s BOYCOTT all these uphill roads till they’re forced to put things right!