We all do it twice a year, and I’m frankly fed up with it! We move our clocks backwards and forwards as if we’re controlling time itself, but of course we are not.

Why do we do it then? Is it so we can have the benefit of an extra hour of darkness when we come home from work? I mean, just consider this. It’s now dark by 5.30 instead of 6.30, and by mid December it will be completely dark by 4.30 pm! We all need the lights on when we get up in the winter, so why pay for an extra hour of lighting at the end of the day as well? The whole thing makes me hopping mad!

Last year I forgot what date it was, and I didn’t move my clock back. Then I couldn’t understand why no one turned up to any of the events on my calendar. Had all of these functions really been cancelled at such short notice? It took me two weeks to realise what had happened, and by then I’d missed six important meetings!

So you who have decreed that we must change our clocks biannually, whoever you are – I’m calling on you right now to take the following common sense action with immediate effect:

Reverse this switch back to Greenwich Mean Time, and keep Britain on Daylight Saving Time all year round!

…or else I shall appeal to whoever’s in charge of Earth’s orbit round the Sun.

What the devil was that? Those crazy humans and their annual Halloween nonsense, of course! …or was it?

Listen! I just heard a noise, didn’t you? Oh, it’s alright, I see what it is now. Here come my human neighbours, all dressed up in scary Halloween costumes and making ghost noises as they go along. Well, I ask you, did you ever see anything so ridiculous in your life – I mean, these are grown men and women, not children. It ought to be banned, I say! What a pathetic sight!

But then again, that’s how businesses make their money, isn’t it, selling sinister looking costumes, and ghost and demon paraphernalia… Huh, beats me how people today can afford to buy the wretched stuff, what with rising inflation and all!

Darn it, I really wish they would cut out that horrible moaning sound! It’s extremely creepy, and now my nerves are well and truly on edge. Ah good, they’re at last making their way down the street – and, yes, they’re finally gone, so I’m glad to say that that’s the end of that. Whew, what a relief, I think I’ll put the kettle on.

Wait a minute, though, what’s that whistling I hear? It sounds just like the kettle boiling. Already? Well, it can’t be, can it! I mean, I haven’t been in the kitchen yet, and nobody else has put it on because there’s no one here but me…

Is there…?