Make Your Grump Count!

Hello dear fans, and welcome to my section headed: Tips from the Master Grump!

This first tip has been written to encourage everyone to get active and start complaining! After all, far too many people are content to accept whatever life throws at them with nothing more than a casual shrug of indifference. But who are the real world-changers around us? Surely it’s not those who merely sleep-walk their way through the madness of modern life, hoping to wake up when all the fuss and bother is over? No, it’s those who stand up and say – wait a minute, that’s all wrong, we’ve got to change things for the better! People like that are visionaries, with the ability to see what so many have missed and put their finger straight on the source of the problem. They know what’s wrong, they want it put right, and they won’t take no for an answer! Their strategy really couldn’t be simpler, and it’s high time we all followed their example. So whatever’s bugging you today, I’m going to challenge you to be brave, do the only right thing in the circumstances, and keep on complaining till someone else does something about it!

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One Grump, or Two?

Hello again, everyone, and welcome back to my Tips from the Master Grump! This time I thought I’d deal with the subject of Multi-Grumps. For those who are unfamiliar with the term, Multi-Grumps are, of course, what we have when we find ourselves complaining about two or more different things during the same period of time. And so the question is, how advisable is it for us to engage in multiple complaints at one time? Some of us will have heard a piece of advice that tells us we should choose our battles, which would seem to suggest we ought not to take on too many at once. But whilst it’s true that it is always unwise to overcommit ourselves, I’m going to stick my neck out here and say, whatever the cost, let’s all try and complain as much as possible whenever we can! I mean, how else are we going to get anything changed? Yes, dear fans, I realise of course that this will take an awful lot of effort. But look on the bright side. The more we grumble, the more we get noticed, and the more we get noticed, the more likely it is that someone will finally hear us.

So then, back to our first question: One grump, or two? Well, by now I think you know that the answer to this is not one or two, or even three or four grumps. Rather, it’s a great big torrent of complaints that you should aim at whoever’s to blame for all that’s wrong! And if THAT doesn’t work for you, don’t be put off – go right ahead and say everything you’ve just been saying all over again…

Only louder.

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Nobody Likes a Merry Grump

Well, it’s December again and here we are once more in that sumptuously festive season of the year known as Yuletide (or, just plain Christmas to you and me). And with that, dear fans, the thought has come to me that a word of warning might be in order for all my trainee grumpkins who now find themselves sinking in the dark and treacherous waters of excessive goodwill. And so for these troubled souls my advice is this: First we must diligently remind ourselves that grumbling is a serious business indeed, and one which demands a suitably serious demeanour at all times. Not for us the irritating cheerfulness of other, unenlightened souls around us. After all, we know better. We know, of course, that they are wrong and we are right. That’s why those of us who intend to pursue our vocation to the end must take it upon ourselves to firmly resist all seasonal joyousness, now and always. So what I say to myself, I today say to all: This Christmas do your best to spread a sobering measure of grumpiness round the neighbourhood. Reject the joy, rebuff the good wishes, and above all, remember to keep up the stern face. Remind yourselves that we MUST be reassuringly consistent in all our negative ways. Accidentally cracking a smile would be confusing to those who observed it and really bad for our image, since if there’s anything we can be sure of, it’s that nobody likes a merry grump. And in case you’re wondering why – Well, it’s just that Santa does merriment so much better, you see…

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